A New Jersey toddler was put in a dryer at a laundromat. The mother says her son was with the babysitter. The babysitter says the mom gave her specific directions to wash the boy’s clothes. The mom says she thought a former JP Morgan exec would be smarter.

Justin Timberlake recently took to Twitter telling paparazzi to “get a real job.” He then returned to very professionally banging Jessica Biel.

Following accusations of a general war against women, the GOP has started a Women’s Policy Group. The first item on the agenda is titled, “Women: A Bigger Problem Than Blacks?”

A Chicago man named Led Zeppelin II has passed away. He changed his name to honor the band which inspired him most in his life. He is survived by his daughter, Peter Frampton.

Earlier this week a man sold a blue potato chip for $2000 on eBay. Afterward, the buyer freaked out and has repeatedly tried to get his money back . The blue chip originally sold so well because it looked exactly like Facebook.

Research shows that members of Congress speak at a tenth grade level, which is fine, as American voters make decisions at a fourth grade level.

Congress responded to the study by promising voters “More recesses and mandatory ice cream Fridays.”

Kanye West and Beyonce are both nominated for best video at this year’s BET Awards. This is deeply problematic, because if he beats her, how will he interrupt his own acceptance speech?

The world’s smallest artificial heart was successfully implanted in a baby. It was based on the model Gwyneth Paltrow uses.

A Japanese chef had his genitals removed & sold them as a meal to a five buyers. He served the meal to them this past week, to which many more people showed up to just watch. Everyone was secretly relieved to discover they are not the only Japanese person whose genitals aren’t pixelated.

They’re making bourbon flavored personal lubricant. Telling friends “I’ve been dry long enough,” Brigette Nielsen is off the wagon.

American Olympic runner Lolo Jones has been all over the news after saying she’s a virgin. Jones says she’s saving it for her future husband. She’s already thirty, so with that track record here’s to hoping someone wins her before she gets silver.

Four Dodgers fans beat a man outside their stadium following a game. The incident was related to a fender-bender. A similar incident occurred in Chicago when a group of Cubs fans beat a man pretty badly, though they told police they only did it because they wanted to be sure to beat someone this season.

King Hamburger Pimp’s Find of the Week: What is genuinely the greatest music video ever created.

– Julian Belvedere of (King Hamburger Pimp and) the Sundance Kid