In what is being described as the “Nickelback Paradox,” researchers have found that small groups make people stupider, revealing how Nickelback happened, but leaving unanswered the matter of their fan base.

A man who was evicted from his home was fined this week for not cutting the grass on the lawn. Reached for comment, landlord Mitt Romney said the man was lucky, as he normally beheads his serfs for such infractions.

There is an animated series about the Osbournes in the works. It was originally about Keith Oberman’s family until producers concluded that “literally nothing could make that family animated.”
Researchers have determined that Otzi the Iceman was lactose intolerant. The breakthrough is considered essential information, as it helps to further narrow the list of ice-cream’s possible inventors.
Avril Lavigne has a new music video out in which she takes her clothes off, revealing she’s really Macaulay Culkin’s second career.
Bats have invaded a rural Australian town. Area scientists say they’re primarily interested to see whether the bats sleep standing-up in their country.
The estimated number of parking spaces per car in the United States is three, though researchers noted that none of them are close to where you work.
Pepsi and Coke are removing caramel coloring from their recipes to avoid having a cancer warning put on their bottles. For coloring they’ll now switch to using dissolved pennies.
Doomsday prophet Harold Camping has apologized for incorrectly predicting the end of the world on multiple occasions. Camping has continuously encouraged followers to donate their money to help promote his doomsday message, and his recent recanting has caused people to wonder whether he’ll return the money. Camping promised he will, adding “But I forgot my pin number, so I can’t give it back just yet. Don’t worry though, I’ve asked God to help me remember.”
California state lawmakers plan to make all forms of bullying illegal with a new bill. Joan Rivers has announced she’ll begin filming her show in Virginia then, as it is a Right to Work state.
The anti-gay group boycotting Ellen DeGeneres’ partnership with JC Penney are calling it quits, having realized that JC Penney was pretty gay to begin with.
A grizzly bear attacked some tourists this week. Kirstie Alley says it’s their fault for bothering her before her morning coffee.
A gay teacher was fired from a catholic school after talking about his plans to marry his partner. The school maintains he was never employed to begin with, adding they’d happily consider Richard Simmons if he’d submit an application.
Snooki has confirmed pregnancy rumors, adding that she initially denied them so as not to “jinx it.” No one knows how Snooki thinks her baby isn’t jinxed already.
A battered cruiser managed to find port this week after a long search. Family and friends are concerned for the burned out, formerly sober David Hasselhoff.
Toyota has recalled 500,000 pick-up trucks. The Asian manufacturer said the defect related to buyers still feeling like they had small penises.
Ke$ha has replaced her hair with metal studs. The last time she had this many metal studs on her face, she was backstage at Ozzfest.
After an artist created a rather controversial memorial portrait of Whitney Houston made entirely from pills, Bobby Brown bought it out of respect for his ex-wife, then ate it in tribute.
Brown paid for the portrait with the sale of his crystal rock collection, which he bought during a blackout eBay bender.
A clip of random bird chirps posted to YouTube was taken down after a company claimed it was copyright infringement. Apparently, it was all stolen from an interview with Bjork.
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have renounced acting. The news shocked critics, as they were unaware the twins had ever started.
A new study found that using Facebook while driving is more dangerous than drinking, texting or using marijuana behind the wheel. Facebook is second only to being a woman.
The TLC network has canceled their show “All-American Muslim,” explaining it had been controversial to begin with, and they thought it better to cancel it before it blew up in their faces.
A Hulk Hogan sex tape is currently for sale to the LA porn magnets. According to those who have seen it, the tape isn’t very good, though Hogan apparently wears a mini bandanna on his member.
Kanye West banned critics from his Paris fashion show, as he was afraid of it being widely panned again. He did however allow Kim Kardashian to attend, as her vagina was one of last season’s most worn pieces.
Sarah Jessica Parker has reportedly decided she’s too old to be fashionable anymore, so she wants to be euthanized so she can become the first human mink.