I’m living pretty much exclusively in my mouth these days. I’ve got some sort of skin tear, or my teeth have grown tired of living quietly in my gums and are looking for lebensraum. Anyway, the left side of my mouth is unhappy (as you would be, presumably, if some marauding teeth came looking to invade your pleasant gumville. Obviously I am tremendously stoic about this whole thing.
The most irritating thing is that I keep forgetting about my mouth’s expansionist policies, and popping bits of food in. 
(The cheery smiling of this image belies its terrible power). Anyway, I’ve had to rethink my diet. ‘Diet’ is actually a terribly fancy word for how I eat, which is more akin to Yogi Bear and his picnic baskets. (I absolutely love it when newspapers publish reports that children are growing up not being exposed to enough bacteria. Clearly, I am going to outlive them all, and die peacefully on my unmade bed at 109, hectoring my feeble offspring about the delights of dirt). UNLESS, of course, I die this week from malnutrition. It’s a genuine concern. Like most finely honed athletes, I require a certain number of calories to perform at my peak. I don’t want to show off, but some of my recent personal bests have included putting on TWO loads of laundry in a single day, watching FOUR ‘The only way is Essex’ episodes IN A ROW, and making THREE ‘your mum’ jokes to my boss. So as you can see, it is vital that I receive proper nourishment. (OH- I also spent £13 on pick n’ mix, but with prices being what they are, I reckon I got a chewy strawberry and a fizzy cola bottle). 
(Growing up sucks. I used to be able to get a week’s worth of sweets for 20p. I’m not sure inflation has risen that much to be honest. In fact, thinking back on it, my sweetshop man might have been a paedo). 
(I mean, he could have just been a friendly chap who liked to give sweets to children).
To quickly conclude, sweets are terribly overpriced, my world has narrowed itself to the territorial disputes of my teeth and gums, and I’m still hungry. Please send soup recipes.
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