After much soul searching, I have finally decided what it is I want to do with my future. I would like to be the official author of all spam messages. Recently, many messages have been going around on Whatsapp, Blackberry messenger and other social networking applications, that have been convincing us to pass on messages, otherwise we shall have to start paying for these currently free priviledges. To help this cause, I have decided to finally unveil the real spam messages that will ensure that all your applications remain free. Copy, paste, and send at will. Trust me, you’ll be doing others a great favour.
1. Windows Live Messenger
In approximately 7 days, Bill Gates will have had it up to here with reading all of your shit. He will charge 0.2 pence per message sent on MSN Messenger. To prevent this from happening, send a message to each of your contacts, highlighting the importance of donating money to hungry donkeys. In fact, to set a further example, sign up to the donkey charity, and Bill Gates, kind hearted man that he is, will accept that as payment.
Bill Gates PA
To all those who use Whatsapp.
In approximately one hour, the Whatsapp bailiffs will be coming to your home to seize your possessions and set your phone on fire. To stop them from doing so, bake 18 and a half cookies. Crumble the half, and leave breadcrumbs in a trail leading from your door, to the window. Throw the 18 cookies out of the window and the bailiffs will surely follow. After this has been completed, your Whatsapp logo will jump out of your screen, crawl up your nose and speak to your brain personally to remind you that they used to send exactly this kind of spam about MSN Messenger. And it always remained free, regardless of whether you forwarded it or not.
CEO of Whatsapp
3. BlackBerry Messenger (BBM)
Due to the insurmountable volume of loose little girls and boys handing out their BB Pins, BBM is contracting viruses left, right and centre. First and foremost, just because it is not your telephone number, it does not make you any less of a social whore for handing it around. To control the numbers, BlackBerry will be charging 3p per sent message. To stop this, there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can do. It is for your own good. Whore.
Attention all Facebookers! We will now be adding conditional charges to all status updates and photo uploads. Wall posts however, will remain free (for the most part).
A 97p charge will be applied to all self pitying, self centred, or bowel based statuses. Photo’s that you upload of yourself, which you then caption “Omg I look so ugly,” or any similar phrase, will be charged at £7.89 per photo. Any amusing, witty and slightly genius status updates will be rewarded with 97p. You may either have this credited to your account, or use it to upload a self-pitying, self centred or bowel based status. This is the only opportunity you will have to do it entirely for free. You cannot prevent this from happening. It was always inevitable due to you publicly airing out all your dirty laundry on social networking sites. Be ashamed. Be very ashamed.
Mark Zuckerburg’s Bitch.
Pass on the message… You’re welcome.