Here it is. I did it. I am now a proud owner of the iPhone 5. And isn’t it magnificent? Those of whom are nodding their heads in agreement either have one and are experiencing the magic also, or have been in close proximity to one, and are already having withdrawal symptoms. Those of whom are shaking their heads in disagreement either cannot afford one, or have a Galaxy. So today, in the form of a review, you shall learn the truth behind the iPhone 5.

Let us start with the basics. It is most definitely slimmer, lighter, and taller, in comparison to the 4S. Perhaps a more apt way to describe it is like initially dating a very pretty M&S model, and suddenly upgrading to a Victoria’s Secret model. Though some complain that they miss the weightiness of the previous iPhones, I say shut the front door, and enjoy that you have to keep checking if your phone is in your pocket, due to the fact it weighs about the same as Victoria Beckham. The increase in the screen size is wonderful, in my humble opinion, and it was much needed to continue to compete with the enemy (Galaxy, Android).

How about we now cut the crap, shall we. I am not a technological wiz, all I can really tell you is that the iPhone 6 is much faster, Siri is a LOT better than it was, it is so light it feels like a toy, and it’s super prettyful sexy and the colours are like, so bright.

iPhone 5

Good talk Siri. Thank you.

The real reason I’m writing this article is to explore the most important, the most vital feature of a phone; how it makes us feel. And I can tell you my friends, I feel awesome. But this iPhone in particular, this 5, should come with an asshole warning. I find myself sporadically ‘checking the time’ on my iPhone, especially on the bus or train, or around a large group of people. I tried to convince myself that this was because of the genuine importance to know exactly how close we were to 1 o’clock, but alas, it was not so. I want, nay, need everyone within a 12 foot vicinity to know that there is an iPhone 5 in their midst.

In fact, my first day of having the iPhone 5 consisted of accidentally almost ‘dropping’ my phone in front of people, just to let them know I have an iPhone 5. I can’t tell you what it is. It’s like there is a decent person inside me, trying to get out, but the Apple prick in me just smashes her across the face with the first ever iPad (and we all know how heavy that was).

iPhone 5

I don’t need any more encouragement

Another thing you realise is, you no longer refer to it as a ‘phone.’ The prefix of ‘i’ suddenly becomes vital to the description of your phone. But seriously, what is it about iPhones that turn people into such assholes? Nobody likes to consider themselves as materialistic or shallow, but I shall be the first to admit that the iPhone gives me a feeling of superiority and righteousness that I am not usually accustomed to. I feel as though I should go to the G8 summits to make important world decisions. In fact, with the addition of an iPhone 5, it should be named the G9.

And to be perfectly honest with you, this time around, it doesn’t just stop with the phone. Have you tried the headphones? No? Of course you haven’t, peasant. But let me explain it to you as best as I can. After upgrading from iPhone 4 headphones, these babies make you feel as though you are actually IN the song. Earlier today, I could have sworn I turned into Jay Z for 5 seconds. It’s like a flat cap just appeared out of thin air, and a crowd of hundreds of thousands were making weird triangle shapes at me. Fuh King Uh May Zing. And yes. That is my phone’s iPhone’s name.

In order to make this a balanced and legitimate review, I suppose I ought to say something critical about the iPhone 5. Well here it is. The Galaxy is better. In fact, it’s probably a lot better. Bigger screen, more personalisation options for the phone, finer details (how long you want your snooze time to be), the ability to easily download and upload music without the f***ing need for the CUNextTuesday we know as iTunes. But I simply won’t buy it because, as my good friend Alpesh so eloquently put, I do not wish to pick up the Colosseum every time I answer a call. And just to throw another spanner in the works, I am waiting for the iOS 6 jail break to come out. Calm down, it is only so I can read the reviews for the jail broken iPhone 5. For there is nothing, nothing in this entire world, no phone, no nuclear bomb, no burrito, that can match a jailbroken iPhone. Or so I have heard.

Allegedly, an iPhone 5 without jailbreaking it is like a Victoria’s Secret model with a diva bitch personality, who looks ridiculously good, but has the personality of a an unfed goldfish. A jailbroken iPhone (apparently) is like a Victoria’s Secret model that has been through therapy and found her place amongst Bhuddist monks, where every option is open, nirvana is achievable, and the world is her oyster. And she’s still sexy as fu**. So yes. The iPhone 5 does need to be pirated to give it it’s full epicness, because for some strange reason, Apple are not willing to provide it just yet.

So, to sum up this educational and informative review, go buy the iPhone 5. Why? Well, I’m going to answer that with some Apple based logic: Because it’s the fucking iPhone 5, that’s why.