Since writing Letters That We Need To Post, I have noticed drastic changes in society. Everyone seems happier now, the crime rate has dropped by 23%, and people have slowly begun to understand that Kim Kardashian really is famous for absolutely no reason. I’m not saying that my article is the reason that the world is slowly turning into a better place, but it simply can’t be a coincidence. Life is changing folks, I’m telling you. So here I am, with part two, hoping this time to fully take us back to the 60’s era, where we all grow our hair long, smoke illegal substances, and make the peace sign less gangster and more flowery once again. With these forgotten letters finally coming to light, I think it is safe to say that a change is coming.
1. Dear Pedestrian Couples (in particular, the girlfriend),
When there is not enough space on the pavement, let go of your boyfriend’s hand and walk single file. You do not HAVE to hold on. Letting go of his hand momentarily will not hideously change the dynamics of your relationship. I promise you, I will not take hold of his freshly released hand and steal him away from you. I will not suddenly flash him, or give him a lap dance. Nor will I try to get pregnant by looking at him (this has been attempted with Jason Momoa, unfortunately my eggs remained uncooked). Nor will it be a Gandalf “fly you fools” moment, where he’ll disappear and come back 2 weeks later, all in white. I just want to walk on the fu**ing pavement. It is not my fault that your boyfriend runs away screaming every time you let go of his hand.
Sincerely, Fellow Pedestrians.
2. Dear V Hair Cuts,
Why you look like a vagina? The world has seen some crazy hair styles, crazy colours, people sticking crazy things into their hair, all in the name of fashion. But really, when something looks shit, we should just accept that it looks like shit? I can’t speak for other countries, but in the UK, we have a steady rise of daytime pu**ni spotting i.e. boys that adopt the “V” cut. Now, in theory, this should work out fine, I mean, we’ve had the Mohawk which wasn’t too bad, and which also followed the whole “the ears are scary so the hair is running away from them into the middle of the head” kind of vibe. But the difference now is, that this V cut is, for obvious reasons, shaped like a V. V for victory? V for voluminous? No. V for vagina.
Sincerely, The Society of Re-Evaluating The Term “Dick Head.”
3. Dear Text To Speech Humans,
Thank you for reminding the rest of the human population what it means to sound words out. Thank you also, for encouraging conversations devoid of any real emotion or laughter. Lol. Once upon a time, lol was something we typed or texted to our friends/mother/dying uncle when what we really wanted to say was “look, this conversation is running dry, I don’t want to ignore you over text, so this is my way of providing closure to this conversation without being rude.” But now, you text talkers have taken it too far. When I first experienced this, I actually thought I was listening to a French conversation. Well, a French demand (yes, I have a very keen ear for languages). Whilst sitting at a restaurant, I kept hearing someone requesting “Le Mayo,” at a table behind me. Strange, I thought. So I turned around and saw a girl looking through her phone with her friend, and this friend, at regular intervals, kept saying, “Le Mayo!” Holy moly, I thought to myself, this girl is going crazy, somebody just get her the damn mayonnaise! Imagine my dismay, nay, horror, when I realised she was merely saying LMAO out loud. For anyone who wants to know, LMFAO is pronounced Le Muhfayo. Just so you’re aware. Basically, this shit has to go.
Sincerely, The English Language.
4. Dear Keyboard Warrior,
You are angry O_O we understand. We also understand that the internet provides you with the release of pent up frustrations and aggression that you may not be able to express in the non digital world. But what you must understand my friend, is that whilst we are humouring your aggressiveness and congratulating your obvious superior strength, we are also laughing so hard that our asses drop off. But really, it’s super intense when you type like you were actually saying it. Example: “You think you’re tough, huh? Oh yeah? You keep thinking that… Because I’m going to come to your house and kill everyone, even your cat.” You can hear the pause for dramatic effect, and just hear the menace behind the questions. And on a serious note Warriors, be careful. It’s really uncool when you just go all CAPS LOCK on someone’s ass. That’s when you know shit just got real. So please. We understand that the Internet Army needs to show it’s mighty power. But the capital letters should only be released in exceptional circumstances. Remember, with great power, comes great responsibility.
Sincerely, The People With No Asses.
5. Dear Kim Kardashian,