As time goes on, the world is slowly drowning in its own filth. Wars, corruption, an irritating as f*** ‘noughties generation.’ Nothing is quite going right for us. Perhaps it is because we have forgotten to post incredibly important letters. And yes, I mean the ones you write by hand and post. Letters that have somehow gotten lost in translation, disappeared in the mail room or simply been forgotten and tossed to the side. Letters that we need to post, as a matter of life and death. But fear not. After much intense searching, I have found some of the missing letters that the world is in dire need of…

1. Dear girls past the age of 17 that still take soft pornographic pictures of themselves in the mirror.

Please explain to me how you proceed to label your pictures “OMG I LOOK SO UGLY HERE LOL.” Let’s get one thing straight. If you did not think you looked sh*t hot, you would have not taken the time to position your body in that awkward angle, hold that pout for 30 seconds, snapped that picture on your BlackBerry, and then taken the time to make the picture your PROFILE DISPLAY PICTURE. This is, as you all very well know, the picture that you choose extremely carefully, the picture that represents you as a person, the picture that people will see first. More care is taken on selecting said picture than on choosing a life partner.

Sincerely, Normal Facebook Users.

2. Dear USA.

You are probably better than us in every way. You copy everything, and I mean everything we do. And to add insult to injury, you bastard Americans make it better! Allow me to demonstrate. London: our business capital, filled with skyscrapers and Big Ben, our pride and joy, our buzzing city of life, which charges you more for parking for an hour than a  three-night stay at the Hilton. You Americans answer with New York City. Now, not only does it have bigger skyscrapers, but it’s busier, even more expensive to park there, and, to really pour salt on the wounds, they have the Empire State Building, which is way bigger than our Big Ben. And it doesn’t even have the word “big” in its name. God help us, you’ve even taken Simon Cowell away. But on a serious note, you have epically failed with the Inbetweeners. That is British. Leave it alone. Your version is sh*t. We accept your superiority in T.V. We show the Fresh Prince of Bel Air as it is. Do not make us retaliate to your laughable (and not in a ‘ha ha that’s so hilarious way) rendition of the Inbetweeners with the Fresh Prince of Camden. It’s a can of worms that is best left unopened.

Sincerely, UK.

Spot on.

3. Dear Leggings.

Why have you convinced girls that you are trousers? These girls would not normally wear their skirts hoisted around their waists. So what on Earth would inspire to wear leggings with a small tank top? Leggings are not the same as skinny jeans. They are just a slight upgrade from tights. As far as I am aware, it is still illegal to flash people in public, yet we are being exposed to it on a daily basis. Sort it out.

Sincerely, Eyes that are sore from seeing too much ass.

Excellent trousers there, my friend. 

4. Dear Straight Girls

You do not need a gay best friend. Other than their sexuality, they are probably the same as your straight best friend. They are not pets, they do not all love glitter, and they most certainly are not accessories. You cannot buy one at the Gay Best Friend Store. If you need accessories, you do not go to a gay bar, you go to H&M.

Sincerely, The General Gay and Straight Population.

Come at me bro.

5. Dear Pigeons

You are getting feisty as fu**. You no longer run when I stamp in your direction. In fact, you don’t even fly away when I literally run at you. If anything, you puff out your chest and square up to me. For the past four birthdays in a row, I have asked for an air gun, to help control this epidemic. You (the public) will all regret the day you laughed and rebuffed my request. There will be a rise of the Planet of the Pigeons. I am prepared. Are you?

Sincerely, Anonymous. They are always watching. Always.


To be continued….