Lil’ Wayne is partnering with Mountain Dew for a new soft drink. The rapper has an addiction to sweets, having once undergone eight root canals in one sitting. Before that, he served a year in prison for a prior partnership with coke.
After Bill Maher criticized Rick Santorum for homeschooling his children, the senator said his kids would out-reason Bill Maher any day. Maher says the best reasoning Santorum’s kids can do is give him seven good ones to be pro-birth control.
Zac Efron was on the red carpet for the premier of Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax when a condom fell out of his pocket. An embarrassed Efron tried to explain to reporters by saying “I have affection/For my erection/I use protection/Against infection/And other men.”
Legendary drummer Michael Hossack from the Doobie Brothers died last week. The coroner says he died of an overdose, following a 55 year long weed binge.
A new pill designed to lower blood pressure is being said to possibly cure racism. In a small group it was shown to dial down adrenaline, reducing “implicit racial bias.” Then again, Michael Richards, Mel Gibson, and Dog the Bounty Hunter might have just been responding positively to the fact someone was paying them to work again.
New research shows that bottlenose dolphins don’t savor their food but simply gulp it down. Following the news, Chaz Bono spoke out in support of the dolphin community, saying “Fuckin’ A, man. I can’t savor shit either when I’ve got a bottle near my nose.”
There’s talk of a Newt/Perry relationship in the works. Well, so far it’s all on Newt’s end. Katy Perry says she’s not interested in dating .
KISS are opening their own specialty themed mini-golf course in Las Vegas. Gene Simmons bragged to reporters “For $120 you get all 18 holes. Where else in Nevada can you pay that price for six women?!”
Liza Minnelli had another birthday. She spent it in the food court trying to get passerbys to sign her birthday card.
Homeless people were used as Wi-Fi Hotspots at SXSW. It worked out fine until a staffer accosted what he thought was a homeless man asleep in a Porta-John without his Wi-Fi pack, only to discover it was Nick Nolte.
Noel Gallagher told NME Music Magazine that “Oasis didn’t break America because our frontman wasn’t like Bono or Chris Martin.” Apparently America likes unqualified, self-appointed world savior experts with cooler-than-thou attitudes. Gallagher continued, “Maybe if he loses in 2012, Obama can join us on a new album.”
The world’s ugliest dog died this week. After several obituaries ran for her, a distressed Tori Spelling tweeted that is she in good health and very much alive.
Lindsay Lohan, fresh off her SNL comeback attempt, hit a pedestrian outside of LA’s Hookah Lounge. She was attempting a three point turn when she whacked a man’s knee. This is the first time missing a three pointer qualified as Linsanity.
Bear Grylls has been fired from the Discover Channel after seven seasons. Executives for the network cited an alcohol problem, saying “The man’s piss drunk almost every episode.” Grylls responded by saying “That’s a total fallacy. You can’t get drunk on your own piss.”
Santorum told Puerto Rico that if they want statehood, they have to learn English. The he added, “…and that goes for you too, new MEXICO.”
Nike has apologized for naming a sneaker the “Black and Tan” for St. Patrick’s Day. The name not only refers to a drink, but also a British paramilitary force who smothered a 1920 uprising. Instead, Nike released the shoes in all black, selling it with what they’re calling “The Brown Shirt.”
A technology developer has produced a mask which uses people’s breathing to charge their cellphone. Now known as AIRE, it was originally named the “Joe Biden” when it was entirely powered by hot air.
Research shows that the first purchases of lottery winners consistently are washing machines, followed by couches. This explains why Andy Dick was at Big Lots last week after hitting that $1500 scratcher.
New research has revealed the kind of music animals like. It’s composed of shrill pitches and odd tempos, as determined by sounds from the animal vocal range. Scientists experimented with making music for the animals, before discovering they respond just as well to Ke$ha.
Neurobiologists found that sex starved male fruit flies take solace in alcohol. The scientists manipulated the female flies into not wanting sex by playing Bravo shows on a loop.
Rumors are starting that Reese Witherspoon is showing a bump, indicating she’s pregnant with a third child. That, or her chin is branching out.
President Obama is planning a visit to the Korean demilitarized zone during his upcoming visit. He says he hopes to return to America “…with a better understanding of the region, and a keychain with my name on it.”
After careful consideration, Mitt Romney finally chose a secret service code name: “Javelin.” This is his most desperate attempt so far at hitting the mark with voters.
Miley Cyrus took a handicap space in front of her pilates studio this week. It’s drawing criticism from media pundits as particularly inconsiderate, being as most of her fans are retarded.
The makers of Apple’s Siri voice recognition software are offering the technology to car manufacturers. Now you don’t have to wait for your kids to be in the car to discuss your failing marriage.
Amid rising usage of marijuana behind the wheel, police are working to develop a field test for measuring how high people are. So far, they make suspects watch Freddy Got Fingered and count their laughs.
Hilary Clinton is supporting a new initiative to solve Amelia Earhart’s disappearance. She told reporters “If a woman goes down, it deserves an investigation…I cannot emphasize how true this is.”
Based on research, the most expensive American city to get divorced in is Los Angeles. And with that, Kim Kardashian’s lawyers rest their case to prove that she did not marry Kris Humphries just for the payout.
A woman found a half-naked man in her house this past week. He was sitting in her recliner, wearing no pants, and drunk. Jason Russell just won’t quit trying to get news coverage for Kony 2012.
–Julian Belvedere of (King Hamburger Pimp and) the Sundance Kid
