Pat Robertson says God told him who will win the presidency. Of course, if it’s the same god who told Herman Cane, Michele Bachmann, and Rick Perry to run, it might be good Robertson isn’t revealing who it is until after the election.

For the first time in the race, Romney’s Mormonism played to his advantage. He beat Rick Santorum by eight votes in Iowa after all of his wives turned out.

After a dismal performance in Iowa, Rick Perry said he was doing some “soul searching”. Then he surprised everyone by staying in the race. It was later discovered that Soul Searching is an Austin bar.

A Mexican warlock used tarot cards to predict that Barack Obama will not be re-elected. As to why the Huffington Post consulted a bloody Mexican warlock, I don’t know. But remember that the next time someone recommends their editorial to you.

However, Barack Obama told the Huff Post that he’s not worried: “…I am black magic.”

Ron Paul is the Bob Dylan of the GOP: he’s too crazy to make sense, too old to be on stage, and appeals to smug douches who think they’re more sophisticated than you.

Rick Santorium admitted to New Hampshire college students that he doesn’t know much about legalized marijuana, adding, “I went to college too.” It’s uncertain whether he means, “I heard about smoking ‘grass’ in my day,” or “For someone who’s ostensibly college educated and qualified to be president, I’m a bumbling idiot.”

Newt Gingrich just became mayor…of GOP debates on

Katy Perry and Russel Brand are divorcing, which is good for Russel Brand because he’s finally made a joke people are laughing at.

Snoop Dogg won 75k for charity on the Price is Right. He successfully guessed the cost of a 1965 Lincoln convertible, matching washer and dryer, and bail for first degree murder.

Rumors abound that Maria Shriver is reconciling with Arnold Schwarzenegger for “religious reasons.” Namely, she’s given-up on God.

Justin Bieber tattooed Jesus’ face on his left calve muscle. Following the news, a straw poll put him ahead of Mitt Romney.

You may have noticed Rupert Murdoch joined Twitter this week, because he is now following everyone.

Demi Moore will play Gloria Steinem in an upcoming film. It will be her first role since splitting from Ashton Kutcher, who turned out to only be using her to research his role on “That 70s Show.”

There’s a new Girl Scout cookie. Described as “tart and dusted with sugar,” it’s a tribute to the average personality of young American females.

Gary Busey is the new face of car company Kia. He took the gig after the animated hamsters left for better careers working on a stationary wheel.

Larry King will host a spoof GOP debate for website Funny or Die. Critics agree: it’s unlikely to top the originals.

James Franco has a novel coming out. The style is most influenced by early Bret Easton Ellis. Like Ellis, Franco will have many novels come out before he fully does.

Drew Barrymore is marrying art consultant Will Kopelman. Friends of Kopelman expect the marriage will destroy his career, as it will forever undermine his credibility.

The homeowners on Pelham Drive in Lee County, Georgia are complaining about hundreds of vultures appearing in their neighborhood every morning and afternoon. Police keep explaining to the residents that people of all ethnicities can live in the neighborhood.

Rosie O’Donnell was turned away from Diddy’s New Years Eve party because she showed-up with six people, or as security described the situation to Diddy, “Seven really angry looking dudes.”

King Hamburger Pimp’s Find of the Week: Check out Shit Wookies Say.

Julian Belvedere of (King Hamburger Pimp and) the Sundance Kid

For twitter-twatter of no matter, plus the lines that don’t make it in, follow Julian Belvedere on Twitter