A baby stuck his fingers in Barack Obama’s mouth during a presidential visit to a military base. The photo got a lot of press. Quick to respond, Rick Perry stuck his foot in his mouth.
A baby Jesus stolen from a nativity set eight years ago has been returned home. The owners say it just turned up Christmas day beneath their tree, a gift from Santa Claus.
Saudi women are now allowed to vote without male approval. Next, women’s rights groups plan to use the momentum to win suffrage for Southern Baptist wives.
The most illegally downloaded movies of 2011 are also the worst: Fast Five, The Hangover II, Thor, Source Code, and Rango are just some. Police don’t plan to pursue any of the criminals, however, saying: “They’ll get what they deserve.”
Mitt Romney told people in Iowa that as president he’d cut the budgets of certain programs, including PBS. Romney said, “We’re not going to kill Big Bird, but Big Bird is going to have advertisements, alright?” Meanwhile, rumors swirl that Romney staffers are negotiating for the rights to Joe Camel.
Adele’s album 21 was the first release since Usher’s Confessions to sell over five million copies in one year. Usher’s was about a relationship in which he cheats. Adele’s is about a relationship in which she was cheated on. An arrogant Newt Gingrich says he looks forward to being the first president to receive a Grammy come 2012, when he’ll release his memoirs on audio book.
According to a recent poll, Tim Tebow is America’s number one choice for a next-door neighbor. Least desirable neighbors included the Kardashians, Charlie Sheen, and Mexico.
Billy Graham made the top ten on the Most Admired People List for the fifty-fifth time. However, the number one person for ten years straight has been Hillary Clinton. Conservative Americans say this is another example of Christianity losing to witchcraft.
Cheeta the Chimp, from the Tarzan movies, died this week at age eighty. The oldest living non-human primate, caretakers say he was well behaved except for occasionally throwing his feces. Oddly, caretakers have the same complaint about the next oldest living, non-human primate: Larry King.
Terrorists are struggling to gain new recruits via the web. Groups like Al Qaeda have set up social networking accounts and even released a jihad rap, yet they haven’t shown growth. The rap group is also frustrated, telling the Associated Press, “Honestly, we thought by now we’d have blown-up.”
Utah has outlawed Happy Hour. A state known for its large salt reserves, endless desert, and Mormons, it is now the driest place on earth.
Major museums are collecting Occupy Wall Street paraphernalia, validating cynical kids everywhere who think museums are just full of useless shit.
The still splintered GOP recently announced their plan for reaching consensus on a candidate. In what they’re calling the “Final Debate X Factor Royale,” candidates will take peyote in the desert, cover themselves with war paint, and then play Russian roulette with a nail gun. The idea was originally Ron Paul’s.
The Buffy the Vampire Slayer film script has been scrapped. The producers say they’re disappointed to find that in real life you can’t bring things back from the dead.
Brazil just replaced the UK as the world’s sixth strongest economy. Britons, panicked about their ailing country, are trying to sell Wales to North Korea.
Michelle Bachman went on the radio and talked about her love of shooting an AR-15, the civilian equivalent of an M-16. “I like being accurate,” Bachmann said. “And that is a great gun.” Experts say that given her idea of accuracy, there’s a worrisome chance she’s killed a lot of people.
Sinead O’Connor divorced her fourth husband after sixteen days. Apparently on their wedding night she led him around Vegas trying to find weed, ultimately losing their motel key and turning up with only crack and a buffet ticket.
Jay-Z and Kanye West were paid $3 million each to perform at sixteen year old girl’s birthday party. No one knows who gave Kathy Griffin the money.
King Hamburger Pimp’s Weekly Discovery: Need to know when Babyonce is born? Wait no longer.
Julian Belvedere of (King Hamburger Pimp and) the Sundance Kid
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