New Year’s Eve marks the end of the Cretin drinking season, and like Catholics on some random winter Tuesday, they shall be drinking as if they had livers similar in character to mine. Of course, they don’t, so enjoy that hangover to start the year, ‘fun people’! I was once served Moet and Chandon White Star by an ex-girlfriend on New Years, which served only to further her intoxication. A couple of years later I spend NYE with her former roommate, and we split a 1L bottle of Bombay Saphire in various concoctions before switching to Bourbon at around 11. Being diplomatic for once, I shall not say with whom I had more fun, but we all my stance on Gin

Go ahead. Drink whatever is served to you in those cheap champagne flutes, knowing that your’s truly was having some grower made real stuff out of gold-rimmed leaded-crystal stemmed saucers at Christmas. Yes, as always I was a week ahead of everyone else when it comes to what to drink. Well, it could be that some of us go on holiday, which means we write our column ahead of time. Either way, may you have a happy and safe New Year. Don’t drive, and do use condoms. Waking up hungover is far better than becoming a parent in mid-September or death. Also, unless you actually speak the harshest sounding of all the Anglo-Frisian languages known as: ‘Scots’, please do not scream out the lyrics to that damned song. If you do speak ‘Scots’, do learn English, and please apologize for your countrymen who ran Britain into the damned ground. Thank you!

Utter Crap: Drink whatever you’re served in your quest to pull on the most obvious night of the year. How bloody original is that!