A UK study found that 9 in 10 public baby changing tables have traces of cocaine. While there are fewer crack babies per capita in Britain, nearly all have coke in their crack.

Experts say exotic pets could spark the next pandemic. Wanting to raise awareness, environmentalist Angelina Jolie had one of her children put down.


Kim Jong Il’s twenty-something year old son will be ruling North Korea now. Other privileged twenty-somethings everywhere agreed, ”It’s good to see one of us is finally getting what we’re owed.”


Kris Humphries is the most hated basketball player, according to a new poll. Reps say he’s just really glad so many people know he plays basketball.


Dutch television execs say they’re going to be the first people in the world to broadcast cannibalism. American TV execs are suing, saying ”First time? We’ve been doing doing spin offs for years.”


DSK’s wife was named woman of the year by a French women’s magazine. They were polled over who most made their mark in 2011. While DSK really showed his ass this year, now is the first time anyone mentioned the hand shaped bruises.


AshleyMadison.com endorsed Newt Gingrich this week. Asked how he felt about it, Gingrich said, ” I don’t know, is she hot?”


Police are saying slain rapper Slim Dunkin may have been killed over a piece of candy, contradicting their original theory that it was donut related.


25% of Icelanders believe that the existence of elves is ”probable” or ”certain,” which is exactly the same percentage of people in the world who think Iceland is inhabited.


Kobe Bryant’s wife is divorcing him to ”save their relationship.” She says once she’s not his wife, she expects they’ll have a better sex life.


Ratings for Regis & Kelly are up now that Regis is gone. The new viewers say they find the show more accessible since it’s lost its intellectual component.


R Kelly is releasing thirty-two more chapters in his ”Trapped in the Closet” hip hopera. The new plot finds his character sexing more beautiful women, traveling through time, briefly working at an Olive Garden, fighting in outer space, and trapped in a Turkish prison.


Kanye West flipped out at one of his concerts after a business card was thrown on stage, Shouting at the crowd, ”Fuck your career!” Ja Rule said it was worth a shot anyway.


In 2011 the US population grew at the slowest rate since the 1940s. Sociologists attribute it to prospective parents fearing the threat of a Nazi fascist takeover.


This Thursday was the shortest day of the year. Glenn Beck spoke out against it, telling viewers it was the worst kind of government cutback yet.


Four in ten policemen could have a sleep disorder. Unfortunately, there’s no known cure for laziness.

King Hamburger Pimp’s Weekly Discovery: Dial 1.719.26 OATES. Trust us.


Julian Belvedere of (King Hamburger Pimp and) the Sundance Kid


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