Netflix was down over the weekend in some areas, causing people to accuse the company of ruining Thanksgiving by forcing them to talk to their family. 


The backpack from the Olsen twins’ high-end fashion line sold out. It costs $40,000, is completely empty, and was inspired by their one semester at NYU. 

Wendy’s will surpass Burger King as America’s number two hamburger chain in 2012. They say they owe the success to their commitment to never cutting corners.  


Yao Ming, a former 7’6” basketball center from China, is launching a California based winery under his name. The first bottles will be sold exclusively in China, and they’ll all be magnums. Asked about his decision, Ming told the press, “More Chinese men need to know what it feels like to buy magnums.”  


One quarter of cat owners blow-dry their cat after a bath, clarifying the results of a recent sexual activity study which found 25% of single women over the age of 40 who live alone reportedly give blow-jobs one a week or more. 

Rick Perry admonished New Hampshire college students to vote for him on November 12, 2012 only if they had turned 21. After reporters noted that the election is six days earlier, and the age of suffrage is 18 instead of 21, Perry explained he mixed up the numbers because he only participates in politics while drunk. 


Dieticians reported that the number of calories consumed by Americans has increased by 20% since 1970 . By “Americans,” they mean John Travolta.  


Prince Akishino of Japan has called for discussion over whether there should be an age of retirement for emperors. He also suggested the emperor be replaced by a more modern representation of Japan, such as a compact LED monument with synchronized time telling color fountains. 


Courtney Love is now Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety coach and sponsor. This is not a joke. 


The Siri program packaged with the iPhone 4S can help owners find weed and escorts, but will not locate abortion clinics, making it the number one choice among Republican officials. 


Hilary Clinton visited Burma this week. She was the first American dignitary there in more than half a century. Clinton told the Burmese that America would have been earlier, but we had to keep stopping for directions. Burma said it was cool, then added that they changed their name to Myanmar about twenty years ago. 


The Tea Party is declining dramatically across America. Leaders blame the rising popularity of the Hot Cocoa Club.


Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, which is the most expensive, pointless, and vainglorious musical in history, is somehow on track to recoup its massive production losses. Following the news, President Obama announced the Iraq war is moving to Broadway. 


On Thanksgiving Eve an Arizona woman robbed a gas station by saying a lump under her sweatshirt was a bomb. It turned out to be a stuffed penguin. Police have returned Happy Feet 2 to theaters. 


The Grammy nominations were announced. Bruno Mars and dubstep artist Skrillex each received multiple nominations, shocking everyone. Scientists agree this is conclusive proof that the Grammys are decided by a secret cabal of thirteen year old girls.  

Kourtney Kardashian announced she’s pregnant. Shortly afterward an anonymous tipster contacted Child Protection Services, expressing concern that the pregnancy might not last more than a few weeks. 


The man who attempted to assassinate President Reagan is asking to be allowed to spend more time away from prison and at home with his mother. Meanwhile, deranged fifty year old men everywhere who live with their moms wish they’d had the balls to shoot Reagan years ago.


A Washington DC salon is offering free haircuts to the unemployed for a day in December. The owner of the salon says he was fully booked within minutes by Congress. 


Song “Moves Like Jagger” has charted in the top ten for the nineteenth straight week, proving its own premise by staying around long after it’s cool.