At this year’s Thanksgiving Day Parade the NYPD brought up the rear. They distributed free pepper spray to the crowd.
There was a Kermit the Frog versus Gonzo presidential election online this week. Kermit narrowly one, indicating a significant proportion of voters would elect a total dick face over a candidate of color. That, and Americans still can’t tell a serious politician from a puppet.
Herman Cain showed up to Tuesday’s debate dressed as a turkey, though it turned out Rick Perry’s constituents had actually tarred and feathered him.
When Michelle Bachmann appeared on Jimmy Fallon’s show this week, the house band used the song ”Lyin’ Ass Bitch” for her intro music. Asked her reaction to the song, she said, “I’m not a lying ass bitch. I’m more of a little white lie.”
Facebook is releasing its own smart phone on the Android platform. Aside from seamless integration with the social networking site, once every few months the phone will automatically change its buttons.
Americans cant manage their finances. This past weekend people spent $139 million dollars seeing Twilight: Breaking Dawn Pt 1. Meanwhile, Newt Gingrich has proposed an alternative to Social Security which involves Americans putting their money in savings accounts. He calls the plan the Twilight Forever Saga.
Civil rights leader the Reverend Al Sharpton has asked constituents to boycott November 25, otherwise known as Black Friday, telling people, “Look at how they gave us the cheapest day of the year.”
Earlier this week President Obama pardoned two turkeys named Peace and Liberty as part of a presidential Thanksgiving tradition. After, he told reporters ”…but I’m not making any promises about next year.”
A new study finds that two thirds of Americans have friendly relations with their boss, whereas only a third of French employees do. Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s defense has rested its case.
Microsoft is trying to poach engineers from companies like Amazon by parking free bacon stands near engineer lunch spots. So far Microsoft says they’ve received fifteen applications from George Lopez.
The man accused of shooting at the White House last week turns out to have recorded an Oprah audition tape in which he calls himself “The modern day Jesus Christ.” Oprah said she knew he was lying because, “I wasn’t gonna believe him over Barack.”
On Tuesday the Commerce Department reported that the economy had grown at a slower rate than they previously reported: instead of 2.5%, it had grown at a mere 2%. The 2.5% was Congress’ approval requiring.
Three American male students were arrested in Tahrir Square during recent protests for throwing Molotov cocktails. Classmate Trey Parsons told reporters, ”That’s a f***ing lie. Those guys love drinking.”
42% of South Koreans say they’ve never knowingly spoken to a foreigner, proving even Asians can’t tell one another apart.
The Oxford Dictionary word of the year is ”Squeezed Middle” meaning people with disproportionate tax burdens in the lower middle class. Listed synonyms are proletariat, working class, blue collar, and Dolly Parton.
A recent poll found two out three latinos would reelect
Obama. Now if two out of three could vote.
