Here is the week in review for Nov 6-12, 2011:
Herman Cain, who sometimes ends public appearances by singing “Amazing Grace” a capella, closed Tuesday’s press conference concerning his sexual harassment charges by singing ”One Less Lonely Girl”.
A recent study found the internet is an eight trillion dollar global economy. In response to the news, Occupy protestors around the world logged onto the internet in what they’re calling Occupy the Web. It has been going strong since their early teens.
A US judge overruled the mandate that cigarette packaging come with graphic pictures. The images would have included a man with a tracheotomy. Instead they’ll now come packaged with one of nine tradable cards picturing Keith Richards.
According to UN weapons inspectors, Iran is close to developing a nuclear bomb. The program only needs a few more materials to have one, including the screenplay for Glitter II.
Twelve Occupy Wall Street protestors will be hiking from NYC to DC. While the protestors call themselves “Twelve Angry Men,” behind their backs they’re known as “the Dirty Dozen.”
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi stepped down this week. Asked what his future plans were, he said he thought he would try his hand at the GOP nomination.
Rick Perry’s dismal debating continued last night when he tried to list three government agencies he would cut, but couldn’t remember the third. The gaffe makes Herman Cain the GOP’s best contender for the 2012 mathletics team.
Rapper Heavy D mysteriously collapsed dead on Tuesday. Police are unsure of the cause, but they’ve detained Cholesterol for questioning.
In a overheard conversation with President Obama at the G20 summit, President Sarkozy called Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu a “liar”. Netanyahu had told mutual friends he’d seen the French president walking around in a pair of pleated pants.
For Halloween this year, late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel asked parents to tape and send in their children’s reaction to being told, “I ate all your candy.” He played some on his show. A surprising number included children sobbing, drawing criticism from responsible parents everywhere. At press time Kimmel could not be reached for comment, as he is out of town this week filming his show at Penn State.
Boxing great Smokin’ Joe Frazier died this week. He only lost four fights in his career. The biggest loss was to George Foreman in a battle for market share between his Foreman Grill and the now defunct Smokin’ Joe’s E-Z Bake Oven.
Russia launched an unmanned mission to Mars this week. The shuttle was only occupied by female political prisoners.
Michael Jackson’s doctor, Conrad Murray, was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter. Upon hearing the news, OJ Simpson reportedly told his cellmate, “Damn, all this for accidentally killing a white woman?!”
A movie based on the Where’s Waldo series is in the making. Next in the hacked-from-your-childhood movie pipeline: A mystery-thriller based on the maze from McDonald’s placemats.
Goldline International, which claims to invest people’s money in gold bullion, is being investigated for fraud. Anthony Weiner accused Goldline of this a year ago while he was still in office. At the time, no one believed him. Weiner, who has been inactive on Twitter since tweeting a picture of his penis and subsequently resigning as a member of congress, recently changed his Twitter name from @RepWeiner to @GoldMember.
A study conducted at Cornell University found participants had fewer “real” friends than people did back in 1985. An independent study found that over the past 25 years “douchey” Cornell scientists have exhibited a drastic increase in self-deception and rationalization.
Facebook restored the chronological display option in News Feed, allowing area man Monty Heaps to see ex-girlfriend Janice’s life move forward in real-time.
Lindsay Lohan, who was sentenced to a month in jail for yet another DUI, was released after only five hours due to “overcrowding”. Outside she told reporters, “Overcrowding is a major issue here in LA, and one I feel strongly about. It’s prematurely ended several of my gang bangs.” The starlet also mentioned that she used the jail time to get her street name, “LiLo”, tatted on her neck.
#ReasonsWhyTheCrimeRateGoUp trended on Twitter this past week. Out of more than 24,000 people who used the hash-tag, none listed “under-funded education” as a reason.
On Wednesday, the US government had the first national test of the emergency alert system in US history, coming across televisions everywhere at 2pm, EST. It’s thought that millions of Americans didn’t notice, however, due to the prevalence of online news and entertainment replacing traditional media. If you missed it, look for it on December 1st on Netflix.
Brett Ratner, the producer of this year’s Oscars, recently said, “Rehearsal is for fags”. The producer of such films as “Kite: The Remix”, a Bollywood dance spin-off, he resigned following the backlash. Critics have called the decision Ratner’s “…first tasteful career move ever”, giving it five stars. When asked how he felt about losing the prestigious job, he replied: “Whatever, work is for pussies.”
The Mississippi abortion amendment failed this week. Next order of business: Arkansas amendment putting a cap of 20 on the number of Duggar children.
A 5.7 earthquake hit Turkey on Wednesday. When asked about it, Herman Cain replied, “Our country has bigger problems right now than one damned bird.”
R Kelly announced he’s publishing his autobiography, Soula Coaster. Revelations include that the R in his name stands for “Raven” and Trapped in the Closet was written by show tunes genius Seth McFarlane. The autobiography was originally titled R Kelly: One Man’s Golden Reign, but was later changed due to homophonic concerns. Asked about it, R. Kelly said, “That shit’s for fags.”