A wise friend of Rolling Sloane once said: “the kind of girl who would utter the phrase: ‘shall we head to the head for some head?’ probably calls it the toilet.” Since we have already focused on cars for enabling in the pulling of champagne socialists and other members of polite society, it’s high time that there a discussion of what works when one feels like a bit of has been so articulately referred to as: “slumming”. Ok, that may be a bit harsh, but no one has ever accused yours truly of being anywhere close to being politically correct, which is of course a concept completely divorced from being actually correct, mind you. Supposing one wishes to be all PC about this (funny, this was written on a Mac), call it a sociological experiment into the mating rituals of the working class or something; I don’t give rat’s ass what you call it. These cars will help you accomplish your “mission” as a man; women, you just need be present and willing.

Ford Mustang- Yes, the Ford Mustang is the top choice here, and this is once again one of the automotive choices of deadcurious.com’s co-founders (yes, the same Old Wykehamist for whom French city-cars are apparently automotive perfection). Especially in convertible form it is going to remind your “target” of her big trip to Orlando and the car that she wishes they would have rented, instead of that dreadful little KIA Rio (aka the Kiarrhea). The current Mustang, despite being an Alabama redneck’s dream machine (I asked), is actually quite a good car. The interior has gotten to the point of almost being acceptable, and the performance is simply unmatched for the money. In fact, the V8 GT model is as fast a round a track as a BMW M3, all whilst still maintaining decent ride quality. Sure, the fuel costs are going to be higher than say a GTI, but you’re getting supercar performance plus all the tail in Essex (or anyplace else with similar intellectually underwhelming demographics). As always, Rolling Sloane would like to take this opportunity to remind you all to remember Van Wilder’s golden rule: “don’t be a fool, wrap your tool.” However, Mustang ownership may require the purchase of one’s prophylactics in bulk, but you’ll just have to manage.

Alfa Romero Brera- Quite simply this is the best looking car you can buy with looking like some sort of elitist prick, Jag driving MILF, or a middle aged banker attempting to recapture any semblance of his long past youth. The car is no longer in current production, but being an Alfa new and barely used examples are still currently available from main dealers in the UK. American readers, well, you have the Mustang easily available and cheap gasoline, so enjoy your Ford. In Britain, the Alfa can actually help with all women; the car is that damn sexy. A Page 3 girl, residents of Cheshire, and the pearl wearing girls of Parsons Green can all agree on how good looking the Brera actually is. In fact, one of RS’s many ex-girlfriends –a hot, ginger (yes, they do exist), Saabophile, champagne socialist, thank you- even attempted to justify how such a car could work as a great family car to a former boss. She really just wanted to drive around in a Brera rather than an old 320d, but the point is that a spectacularly beautiful car just works on all levels. Whilst the Alfa could never challenge the Mustang in the performance category, being front-drive (only the 3.2L Q4 is AWD), heavy, and underpowered, it appeals to everyone’s id, and is that not the point of this whole exercise? If you just wanted a good car, then VW makes quite a few varieties of Golf for your consumption. However, no fit girl outside of Wolfsburg, Lower Saxony is ever going to fuck you due to the fact that you drive a nice VW Golf.

These two cars are the only cars of this variety available at a more moderate price point, which are actually any good. Yes, a posh car will get you some working class action, but Chelsea and Buckhead are also chock-full of well-spoken gold-diggers. That Audi, will get you a good girl gone ever-so-slightly bad, but a sex pot of a car just might help you land the kind of girl for which you’re really looking. Since neither a Mustang nor Berea is in anyway renown for either long-term desirability or reliability, they both happen to be the kind of short-term automotive decisions that parallel the short-term relationship one is seeking with the girl who says, well, toilet. My Francophile friend sold his Mustang, and then kept borrowing my car to drive home his dates. This writer, however, was happy to oblige, because I happen to have the only thing that trumps a car in the quest for short-term companionship: a dog with a back-story. Unless, you have a dog given to you by an ex who then “couldn’t handle commitment” and abandoned you with an adorable puppy –hey, she only needs to hear your side of things-, get one of these cars. You’ll thank me for it later, since Golden Retrievers are usually longer lived than either car or any subsequent “relationships”.