Just some ideas for the Taxi Drivers of the world…
When a new fair steps in, shout at them: Where have you been?! I’ve been looking for you all day!
Hit the gas pedal before they have a chance to respond.
Immediately turn on the GPS and set the destination for Portland, unless you’re in Portland, in which case use Memphis. Set the voice to ‘Elf’. Maximize volume. When they try to tell you where they’re going, respond: You think I dont’ know what the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks I’m doing over here?!
Make certain all windows are up and the child locks are on, then light a cigar and take huge puffs. Respond to all requests to crack a window by driving faster.
It’s very important you drive erratically, consciously enticing other cars to honk. Whenever a car honks, yell back: Don’t make me reach under this seat!
At a stop light, suddenly begin shouting Quick! Chinese fire drill! Mooooooooooove!! Pull away before anyone can react.
Turn off the GPS. Begin sobbing. Make sure you are loud, really giving it the banshee wail. Shimmy your shoulders. Put the steering wheel in your mouth and shake back and forth. Accelerate.
Slam on the breaks. Turn your head completely around to face them and say: I’m sorry…but THIS part always makes me cry.
Now continue to cry but simultaneously smile.
Go back to driving.
Apologize for your driving. Tell them you’ve been on edge all day and didn’t mean any of it, then say in your best Chicago gangster accent: Ey, lemme show yous sumdin I got unda da seat…Don’t worry, I ain’t gunna hurt nobody!
Now produce a flask and drink liberally.
Start crying again.
Slam on the breaks, pull over, turn around and punch your fair in the arm. Shout PADIDDLE!
Tell them they have arrived at their destination and the ride costs forty-nine hugs.
Ask if they have a bathroom you can use.
–Julian Belvedere of (King Hamburger Pimp and) the Sundance Kid
