It’s a new year, and apparently people other than me are busy with making and breaking resolutions. Since most of these people lack a Y-chromosome, it might behoove me to target that audience. Instead of doing’ 7 awesome ideas in the new year’ for single guys nearing their peak in desirability, it’s better to dish out advice to those on the opposite curve. So, here’s some brutally honest advice for women in 2014, which means those of you over the age of 25, listen to me… Rather than thinking this is some sort of misogynistic hit piece on foibles of the fairer sex, just heed this advice and thank me later.

Eat me it you want to be fat and have lots of cellulite!

1. Cut all the Carbs

Unless you’re one of the lucky winners of the genetic lottery, those old metabolic processes are rapidly slowing down. When you were 19 you could eat a pizza plus drink as much Sauvignon Blanc, Mojitos, and Cosmos as humanly possible without gaining a gram. This is no-longer the case… Cellulite and love handles are not attractive, but they can be avoided. Not only do all the excess carbs one eats get stored as fat, but they also cause the looseness in your legs and backside that are so undesirable. Eating carbohydrates builds up your intracellular glycogen stores, which cause cells to puff up and retain water. Want to know how models who should have aged-out years ago get ready for a bikini shoot? They do a week of keto to drop a quick 3-5kg and tighten things up. When you drop below 25g of net carbs, your body burns off those glycogen stores, drops the ‘water weight’, and starts burning fat to make replacement fuel for your brain. Yes, you can eat bacon, look better, and fit into your Lululemon yoga pants without them becoming transparent by dropping the carbs. You’re welcome ladies!

They didn’t just give me braces and glasses to transform her into UGLY Betty!

2. Fringes/Bangs Make You Look Ugly

You’re not Zooey Deschanel; family connections didn’t turn you into someone supermarket magazines plus alarmingly popular websites produced by gay men and bitter/unattractive women claim are attractive. Fringes or ‘Bangs’ in American English make you look like Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber. America Ferrara didn’t get to keep her regular ‘do’ when transforming into Ugly Betty; they gave her a heinous fringe. Sorry to disappoint you ladies, but long, well-tended, feminine hair is what men desire. So keep it below the shoulders, trim the split ends, don’t pick a colour at seemingly random, and use high quality hair products to tame it. Try the Bumble and bumble Seaweed stuff, one of my exes got me to start using it and she had amazing hair.

This is not your life, and only the newsreader’s daughter in real life is remotely attractive.

3. Stop Watching Reality Television and ‘Girls’

This should be a no-brainer, but since Reality TV rots your brain, someone needs to tell you to stop. You want to impress a man, watch the news. Men like me expect girls, humans with two X-chromosomes aged 18-25, to be dumb, it’s part of why we date them. If you don’t want to be one of those miserable old cat ladies, who was once such a proud, independent woman in her misspent youth, then show us you have a brain. Otherwise, we’ll treat you like the human condom your actions seem to warrant. It’s not that difficult to be informed enough for us to stick around for some conversation, and no one want to think any accidental children would have IQs low enough to be an American cop. And mentioning the show ‘Girls’ is a way to end a date quickly. If you’d like to believe the shallow, fake existence of some fat girl and her slutty friends is worth watching, then keep it your dirty little secret. That’s not female empowerment in action, it’s just dumb, sorry. But, if you’d just like to be used for sex once, then thrown out immediately after he’s done, feel free to continue. The world needs desperate old slumpbusters too.

Do you think he really wants to be there?

Do you think he really wants to be there?

4. Don’t Get Pregnant

Assuming you’re a normal human being, you’ve been sexually active for at least a decade at this point. Sure, you might have had some near misses in the past, but for some reason women in relationships between the ages of 26 to 30 have a knack for screwing up that perfect record of remembering to take ‘the my life and his are both fucked if I don’t take this’ pill every day. Somehow all that intelligence that prevented unwanted teen pregnancies goes away as that biological clock reaches the evening. My advice is to get an IUD; they’re idiot-proof and more importantly for weary men, tamper-evident. Do you really think that your ‘new husband’ is going to truly love, trust, and respect you after a shotgun wedding? And that big wedding you always dreamed of having since you were a little girl; you sure as hell weren’t fat and unable to drink in it, were you? Remember, children like herpes are forever.

Kate Beckinsale is a sex symbol at age 40; look what she’s wearing…

5. Wear Sunglasses and Take Care of Your Skin

Now, this is something I’ve been doing since I was a child thanks to the sage advice of a cousin who was a model. At age 30 I have nearly perfect skin, never had acne, and there are no wrinkles under my eyes, but a good chunk of the women and men I know treated their beauty as if it wasn’t a perishable commodity. At least for women, it really is highly perishable. Look at the difference in ages between the “Sexiest Man’ and ‘Sexiest Woman’; there sure as hell is a double standard here, which does seem a bit unfair, frankly. However, this is how the world works, so women can either deal with it and be happy or bitch about it and wonder why they’re alone. If I can remember to exfoliate, moisturize, never re-use a towel, use a broad-spectrum sunscreen, and wear sunglasses when outside every day, then it can’t be that hard. Yes, I said wear sunglasses and sunscreen every day! On cloudy days the harmful UV rays that get through all the atmospherically condensing water vapour are reflected back down to earth by those same clouds, so overcast days can be worse for your skin than sunny ones.

Do you really want to be this woman?

6. Don’t Smoke Cigarettes

Want to age yourself from within, ensure a first kiss is a last by tasting like an ashtray, and have the habits of the working classes? Then go ahead and continue lighting up those Marlborough Lights, you deserve it and the life of a middle-aged spinster that will surely follow. Want to stay skinny? Stop eating crap and exercise more. The only type of smoking that is sexy is a hot woman enjoying a fine cigar, possibly with a glass of whisky. Desperately clinging to your lost youth by chain smoking cigarettes outside in the cold is not, sorry.

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy...

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy…

7. Learn to Love Yourself

Yes, this is the hard one, but if you’ve gotten this far it’s not really that hard. No, this isn’t an open invitation to get one of those vibrator/alarm clocks, yet knowing what works for you in bed is extremely important. Rather, as you improve yourself physically and emotionally, this will become more apparent. For some reason in the western world, women are gripped by crippling self-doubt. Rates of depression are skyrocketing, and as fun as crazy girls can be to date for a little while, this isn’t something very healthy going into proper adulthood. It might take some behavioural modification in therapy, but nobody is going to love you unless you love yourself. I’m not talking go all out narcissistic nut-job who gets off looking in the mirror. Just learn to love how you are. It might be hard, but it’s the only way to be truly happy. Combine this with being better looking plus not getting pregnant, and you might find life to be something enjoyable. Nobody wants to spend their lives with someone who doesn’t find inner happiness, so hating yourself will only end in a tiny cottage full of cats.

Live your life angry, fat, wrinkled, and with some unwanted kid if you’d like, but you’re probably better off following my advise. Unlike most of what you read elsewhere, it’s not from some bitter old spinster, delusional young ‘feminist’, or homosexual man who acts like a spoiled teenage girl. I’m just a guy who has at least half a decade before I’ll be in the market for someone in your predicament, which means I can be brutally honest. Send the hate mail if you’d like, but you’re welcome in advance.