My grandmother may have tried to instill in me the idea of being a gracious in defeat, but she surely failed in her attempts to turn me into a tactful winner (or human-being, ED). Actually, this is why you should listen to me, as I tend to only speak-up when I’m, well, right. In fact, my mother has an ongoing joke that she pretends to note the time and date when I’ve spoken up with seemingly absolute certainty, only to be proven beyond a reasonable doubt to be incorrect. Since I haven’t had my ‘Market Garden’ moment showing some sort of underlying utter incompetence, let’s go over some of my greatest hits from the first year of this column…
Diesel is slowly killing you, the planet, and is just crap…
Right on this one, big time. Even the World Health Organization has said as much. Your tiny, illegal in the USA, low CO2 diesel runabout does more damage to the collective health of the planet than my massively road-taxed and leather-lined SUV, you dirty, selfish, and technically murderous (ok, manslaughterous, but still…) hippy. So, sod-off, get out of the passing lane, and enjoy the fact that in the People’s Republic of California, where weed is ‘legal’ by the way, what you’re doing is against the law.
BMW has utterly lost the point…
No manual in the next M-cars, Electric Power Steering across the whole line, and rapidly declining build quality ratings. Couple this with their increasing popularity, the fact that they haven’t produced a ‘looker’ since the E46 3-Series, and you’re looking at the Morrissey of automakers. They used to be excellent, but now…
Electric Power Steering is even worse than Airbus Fly-by-wire…
Not only does it take the fun away from driving, lack any real tactile feedback even in the best of applications, but its failure can lead to disaster. In a traditional, hydraulic, power-steering system a catastrophic failure of the power-assist is just that; the hydraulic assistance goes out, and one is left with a heavy but predictable manual setup. It is effect fail-safe, and is much more prove to develop a slow leak, which is easily diagnosed and repaired. Electric Power Steering (note this does not apply to the Electro-Hydraulic system that Ford employed in the previous Mazda 3, Focus, and the still in production Volvo s40) is a completely different animal, and depends on electro-magnetism. EPS basically puts a powerful electric motor into the fold of a traditional rack and pinion system, which is less maintenance intensive and cheaper solution to Hydraulics. However, electric motors have two failure modes: off and on. Off isn’t a real problem, as this is a comparable to a full failure in a traditional system, but failing in the on mode is another problem. This will probably result in a crash. You have to fight the full force of the electric motor to regain control of the car, and reaction time is critical. Since you’re probably not in a ‘driver’s car’ and don’t have a clutch to over-ride the engine’s power output, you’re not going to be able to process what’s going on. This is system’s management, not driving (just like flying an Airbus…and that hasn’t resulted in any crashes due to ‘loss of situational awareness’), and those rusty ‘motor-skills’ won’t help you in time. I just hope that you don’t kill someone else as you crash, presumably at speed.
Most people are fairly stupid…
This is just obvious, so let’s move on to more important things. Shall we?
The Citroen C6 just might the coolest car in the world…
It just is, and since it’s sort of shit, they didn’t sell many. Therefore, it’s good looking, rarer than a Bentley, rather inexpensive, and not German.
If you’re having a girl over, don’t put The Doors on shuffle…
‘The End’ following ‘Light My Fire’, ‘Celebration of the Lizard’, and ‘When the Music’s Over’ isn’t going to make anyone look good. Ok, this wasn’t actually mentioned in any of my overtly sexual articles (On Saabs and Condoms or Head, Head, Head, Toilet), but trust me on this one. It happened to a friend of mine our first year of University, and I’m still laughing about it!
The Jaguar XJ is the best large Executive Car…
This is not just because the others are overcomplicated and un-engaging… No, the XJ is a brilliant car, and the BMW and Mercedes just aren’t very good.
The Toyota Prius is the worst car in the world…
