Former German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder attended Vladimir Putin’s inauguration this week. Both are on the board of gas giant Gazprom. These guys are so in bed with Big Gas, they’re called the Dutch Oven.

South Korean authorities have stopped import of Chinese capsules which were found to contain human flesh. Sold as virility enhancements, the capsules are comprised of (seriously) fetuses from Chinese abortion clinics. It turns out that “ginseng” is the Chinese word for “Surprise!”

An Illinois couple recently featured on America’s Most Wanted have been caught in Arizona. Twelve years ago they stole millions of dollars from blue-collar middle Americans in a giant Ponzi scheme. Since then, they’ve apparently been operating the University of Phoenix.

An 800lb woman who says she wants to be the world’s fattest woman has become engaged. In pursuit of the world record, she eats over 30,000 calories a day. She first met her fiance when he was her buffet repairman.

Rick Santorum’s only requirement for hotels he stayed at during his GOP campaign was that a breakfast buffet be included with the room. Ron Paul’s only requirement was for his staff to attach their bill to Mitt Romney’s.

For a celebrity comparison, John Travolta’s only requirement at hotels is a tossed salad.

Justin Bieber has been hanging out with boxer Floyd Mayweather lately. He described him as a “…hardworking, clean-cut guy.” The last time a pop star hung out with a boxer, it didn’t end well for Rihanna.

A bra has been invented with built in ice packs. It was originally developed after Vogue editor Anna Wintour asked for a way to keep her heart cold.

Obama is releasing new TV ads talking about his extensive work to repair the US economy. He’ll be spending $25 million on the ads this month alone. He calls them “Part 3 of the Stimulus.”

The Avengers broke box office records for the highest grossing movie debut. The last film about saving the world that made its producers this rich was Kony 2012.

Five members of Occupy Cleveland stand accused of plotting to bomb a bridge. The Occupy movement insists they have nothing to do with the plotters, however, telling reporters “Blow up a bridge? The Occupy movement has already bombed everywhere.”

An art buyer is suing artist Robert Indiana. Indiana is most famous for his LOVE sculptures. The buyer says he spent $1.5 million on sculptures he thought were from Indiana. Indiana responded from his home in Knox County, Maine that he didn’t sell the fakes to the collector, so he’s not liable. The collector has since filed a second suit after discovering Indiana is in Maine.

Television show Cougar Town is moving from ABC to TBS, though it remains heavily supported by PMS.

Maurice Sendak, author of Where the Wild Things Are, has died. However, he lived to see his story made into a full length film. A 48 page picture book, it was short for a screenplay, though three times longer than the average script by Adam Sandler.

Lisa Kudrow has stated she is not interested in a Friends reunion. However, Jen Aniston recently said she’s very interested in a reunion, though she wants to be more than just friends with Brad Pitt.

It was determined this week that support for the Afghan war is so low, the only place support is any lower is Aretha Franklin’s bra.

The remains of a giant crocodile were found in Kenya. Over 30 feet long, it lived between two and four million years ago. Conservatives are questioning the find, however, asking how anyone can know anything about something from Kenya without a birth certificate.

North Carolina passed an amendment against gay marriage, causing millions of heterosexual, single males across the country to wish they were gay so they could relocate to North Carolina and forever have a valid reason to avoid commitment.

40% of 9-1-1 calls in New York City are accidental butt dials. Except in Brooklyn, where they’re done purposely for the irony.

Legendary hairstylist Vidal Sassoon passed away this week. Friends say he died the way he would have preferred: cut short.

–Julian Belvedere 0f (King Hamburger Pimp and) the Sundance Kid