GroupOn is in trouble after lying to shareholders. Things are so bad, a class action lawsuit against them was today’s LivingSocial offer.
Ryan Gosling was a real hero this week, pulling a woman out of the way of a speeding car in New York City. Even more incredibly, he stopped a train-wreck the next day: Gosling dissuaded Lindsay Lohan from starring in “Daddy Daycare Redux: Mommy’s Back in Town.”
The longest serving woman in Congress is having a supernova named after her. The exploded star was originally meant to be named for Barack Obama, but his handlers asked that it not be, as it was “…all too true.”
Meanwhile, astronomers scour the sky for a black hole to name Mitt Romney.
Jessica Simpson might have copied a Christian Louboutin design for one of her shoes. The only difference between the shoes is that she didn’t copy his trademark red soles. Instead, the soles of the shoes are covered in toilette paper, so girls know what its like to be Jessica Simpson.
Planned Parenthood has declined a half million dollar donation from literary jackass Tucker Max. The money would have saved a failing location. You know people hate you when they’d rather have children instead of take your money.
San Francisco sparrows change their song to compensate for the city noises. Instead of a “Chirp chirp chirp,” it’s becoming more of a “Oh HEYYYYY”
Adam Sandler won all ten awards at this year’s Razzie ceremony, an event for the year’s worst films. The only other time someone as talentless swept an awards show, Dax Shephard was working as a janitor at the Kodak Theater.
A new book by a private investigator says Jason Simpson is the culprit in the famous 1994 trial. The last time someone got this much credit for their father’s murder, Julian Lennon had a hit record.
Whitney Houston’s autopsy came in. Her death possibly related to a seizure. Rick Ross expressed sympathy, noting he also suffers from seizures. However, it’s unlikely he’ll die slumped over, face down in the bathtub, as he can’t even bend forward.
Rihanna says she would love to play Whitney Houston in a movie. Meanwhile, Chris Brown has submitted an audition tape for Bobby Brown. It’s comprised entirely of home movies.
Fred Durst has threatened to fire two members of his band Limp Bizkit. Unfortunately, neither one is himself.
Ashton Kutcher has been picked to play Steve Jobs in a biopic. Apple will be a producer for the film. The corporation has a long and storied history of making lifestyle technology products. However, Kutcher will be the first time they’ve produced a tool.
Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are dating again. Following the news, West released a song talking about it. Asked to comment on the new song, Kardashian said “You seriously hadn’t already heard Gold Digger?”
Amid VP talk for the Romney campaign, rumors are swirling that he’ll offer the role to President Obama, as at this point Mitt Romney will likely have to run against his own image.
Virginia based cellphone provider Ntelos will be selling the iPhone 4s for less than anywhere else. Apparently Ntelos is able to provide it so cheaply because “…it turns out West Virginians will manufacture something for even less money than the Chinese.”
Jimmy Kimmel is challenging parents to play a new prank on their kids by serving them pre-chewed food. In the past Kimmel has asked parents to pretend they ate their kids’ Halloween candy, and to only give one Christmas present to them. Meanwhile, Kimmel’s own parents continue to debate when to let him know he has Down Syndrome.
April is Jazz Appreciation month. With March as college basketball month before that, Glenn Beck is complaining that this is the longest Black History Month ever.
About 46% of corporations now issue Macs to employees, up by half in just two years. Another 40% use either PCs or open source computers. The remaining 4% work for American car companies, where they share an abacus.
Bruce Willis wants to sell his ski mountain to a charity. He said he’s ready to sell it because he never skis there anymore, explaining “I really can’t justify it anymore…I mean, continuing to go downhill.”
A California woman was jailed for beating-up her boyfriend after he refused to have sex with her. The man maintains he’s just neighbors with Sinnead O’Connor.
The 18th anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death was this week, prompting speculation on what he’d be doing now if he was alive. Former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl leads Foo Fighters, and Chris Novoselic is a State Committeeman in Washington who lists farming as a hobby. So apparently Kurt would be Mike Huckabee.
Hidden Valley Ranch dressing is now writing on all its bottles “The New Ketchup” in a branding campaign. The move has panicked Heinz Ketchup, causing them to begin writing on all of their bottles “The New Hunger Games.”
Connecticut is repealing the death penalty, leaving for its harshest punishment having to summer in Rhode Island.
–Julian Belvedere of (King Hamburger Pimp and) the Sundance Kid
