One in every 88 U.S. children has been diagnosed with an autism-like disorder, up sharply since 2009. Apparently it was harder to convince parents that their children had a learning disability during the Bush II administration, when parents could reasonably respond “My kid could grow up to be president some day.”
The Pope visited Cuba this week. When Cubans saw the popemobile for the first time, they said “You know, I’m not really sure allowing new cars to be imported would be such a good thing.”
Aerosmith are going out on a new tour named “Global Warming.” A band known for their large working class demographic, the booked venues are struggling to sell out across America. When asked, fans say “Wait, Global Warming is still going on? ‘Cause I heard it was just a hoax.”
American homes are now more likely to have an Apple product in them than they are a married couple. Misunderstanding the implications of the study, Jennifer Lopez threw out her iPod and laptop in a fury, then eloped with her back-up dancer boyfriend.
As ObamaCare went before the Supreme Court this week, the legal document containing the case grew longer. Justice Scalia told the lawyers, “You expect us to read 2700 pages? Not unless one of you is named George R.R. Martin.”
Disney flop “John Carter” has had surprisingly big box office returns in China, where it is actually making revenue. Now Iran is trying to get the movie as well. Apparently they’ll do anything to acquire a bomb.
An Ohio shopper found a Picasso print at a local thrift store. Mitt Romney has claimed it, saying “This is what happens when you let the help clean out the garage.”
Astronauts reported spotting a mysterious rock formation over Africa. They later retracted the statement, saying “Yeah, no, sorry. It was just Europe casting a shadow.”
A woman who says Entourage star Jeremy Piven performed oral sex on her has written a blog post about the experience, claiming he was terrible at it. She is an adjunct professor at the University of Houston. Piven, who formally dated Nicky Hilton, says that despite the woman’s blog post, she is still the smartest thing to come out of his mouth.
The drummer from the Welsh band Feeder is starting a Japanese cookery website. It’s their most pathetic attempt so far to finally get big in Japan.
An 83 year old woman is suing Apple after walking into one of their glass walls. Apparently, for this same reason she failed the Wal Mart application test.
Travel experts recommend you put one shoe in the hotel-room safe so you’ll be less likely to forget valuables.Charlie Sheen said, “I did that, but I found that sometimes I still forgot. So now I put one hooker in the closet instead.”
Clay Aiken admitted he had plastic surgery. America admitted it had forgotten who he was.
English police have arrested what they describe as “Some Mexican tourists who robbed homes in order to finance their tour of soccer arenas.” Reached for comment, their lawyer said, “The boys planned to pay everything back. They just wanted to get big again, like in the old days. And Menudo is Puerto Rican, not Mexican.”
Obama leads Romney in three critical swing states, according to recent polls. A bitter Rick Santorum told reporters, “Let ’em have those states…I don’t want anything that swings both ways.”
Movie theaters are planning to stop charging less for 3D films and more for everything else, including twice as much to sit in the area of the theater where the floor isn’t sticky.
Courtney Stodden, who if you’re not familiar with then you need to look up, has filmed a PETA ad. Now identifying as a vegetarian, Stodden is proof that even slabs of meat can have a heart.
Doctors say Dick Cheney is okay to stand up again for the first time since he had heart surgery. Cheney stood up for a while, but immediately sat back down when the Right Thing walked over.
Newt Gingrich is charging $50 for supporters to snap pictures with him. Rumors are already starting that if he doesn’t get the nomination, he might take a job working as a shopping mall Santa Clause. Gingrich says, “Just once, I’d like to be the one getting paid for younger women to sit on my lap.”
–Julian Belvedere of (King Hamburger Pimp and) the Sundance Kid
