Land Rover has gone and pulled a classic Monty move, and completely overreached in an attempt to beat the Germans. Whilst this may not be on the same scale as Operation Market Garden, the premise remains the same, because Land Rover has given its posh small crossover a Range Rover Badge. Yes, the Q5’s, GLK’s, and X3’s of the world are going into battle against a baby Range Rover, but like sending Paratroopers up against Panzers, this won’t end well. Ok, that’s enough channeling of my inner Mark Corrigan, yet the conclusion remains the same: a Brit resorting to tricks in order to beat the Germans more quickly than they would have otherwise have done at a greater cost. You see, the Evoque is the best car in its class, and should beat the Germans. It’s just not a proper Range Rover.
The usage of the word “car” to describe the Evoque in the previous paragraph is where the trouble begins. A Range Rover is not a “car”, it’s a fucking Range Rover. Some might call it a light-truck, a 4×4, and SUV, but no matter what you call it you know one when you see it. This is swoopy thing, which apparently had Victoria Beckham as a design consultant (you can see my stance on this in the Jeep Grand Cherokee Review), not only isn’t a real 4×4, but it’s not even close to looking like a Range Rover. I have my issues with the Range Rover Sport using the nameplate, but it at least looks and acts the part. This technically brilliant car utterly fails to tick any of the boxes on my “that’s a Range Rover” checklist. Land Rover already has a vehicle competing in this class, albeit a little less luxuriously. It is called a Freelander (LR2 in America), so what is the point of having a Range Rover in that class. The Sport and the Discovery share a chassis, yet there’s no real product overlap there. The actual Range Rover really has no competitors as such, but it could be somewhat cross-shopped with Jaguar’s big XJ. This is, of course, totally fine, since Jaguar and Land Rover are the same company. Why, then, couldn’t this “car” be badged a Jag?
I haven’t clue as to why this is not the case, but then again I’m not a corporate branding expert. Of course, those type of people probably drive Audi TT’s or G-Wiz’s, which means they’re morons who haven’t got the fainted idea as to what a Range Rover is or does. However, in spite of the total cock-up in branding the damn the damned thing, the JagRover (as I’m calling it) will, like the British Army, eventually crush the Germans. Just like World War II, this will be accomplished with the help of the Americans for whom this type of car is the equivalent of an upscale super-mini. It’s posh, it’s good, it’s a damned fashion accessory for God’s sake, but just not a fucking Range Rover. Even my father says so, and he actually likes the Sport!