Ashton Kutcher recently concluded the longest set-up for an episode of Punk’d yet. Demi Moore is devastated.
Illegal immigration from Mexico to the US is down due to the economy. The news prompted Barack Obama to announce that his second stimulus package would include ten million Mexicans.
British musician Peter Doherty is claiming that his flat is haunted by Amy Winehouse’s ghost. A friend of Doherty’s told reporters he thinks what Doherty keeps seeing is actually his neighbor, Boy George, coming home hammered after Drag Night.
Two bullets were discovered to have hit the White House on Tuesday. Following an investigation, they turned out to be the GOP’s best shot at the Oval Office.
Skin-care corporation Simply surveyed 3,000 British women about how they treat confidential information. Women keep secrets for an average of only 32 minutes, leading area man Mark Hornheffer to realize that after first having sex with a girl, his chances with any of her friends are completely blown 33 minutes later.
The British Medical Association wants to ban smoking in private cars. Next: banning smoking in homes, in case you’re burgled by a non-smoker.
The mayor of Utah’s second largest city has admitted to using a pen name to write positive news articles about it. After confessing, he explained, “How was I to know anyone would care? This is a state where 60% of people are okay with a man writing his entire book under the pseudonym God Almighty.”
Kat Von D says that while dating Jesse James he cheated on her with nineteen other women. It’s unclear whether or not she counts Sandra Bullock, his ex-wife.
Satellite images were recently taken of giant man-made markings in the Chinese desert, creating concern it was part of a Chinese plan against the US. It turned out that the Chinese recently ran out of warehouse space, so now they’re stacking all their US bonds in the desert.
Former adult actress Sasha Grey recently read to a class of Compton elementary school students, angering parents. Grey responded that by encouraging ghetto children to read, she hoped to keep them away from gang banging.
On Sunday two OWS protestors got married. They met at the protest just a month prior. Asked if they worried the nation’s 50% divorce rate would ever affect them, they told reporters, “No, if we’re not happy with something, we stick it out.”
Bill O’Reilly’s new book about President Lincoln, Killing Lincoln, is being panned for its many historical errors. It’s so bad that Ford’s Theatre, where Lincoln was assassinated, now refuses to sell it in their bookstore. Upon hearing they banned his book, O’Reilly quipped, “Ford’s Theatre? Shows how much they read: it ain’t a play, and it ain’t about that president!”
Lady Gaga and her creative director have parted ways. As creative director, she’s the woman behind much of Gaga’s image, videos, music, and success. Asked what her next move would be, Madonna said she’d like to make a new album.
NBC canceled cult hit-show Community in favor of Whitney, a show about the struggles of a white lady named Whitney. Viewers agreed that they’d prefer it if the show was about black Whitney struggling with addiction to the White Lady.
Following reports of girls inserting vodka tampons in their bodies to get drunk faster, Lindsay Lohan has adopted the practice, prompting her lesbian hook-ups to call her “Bloody Mary.”
Brad Pitt told 60 Minutes he plans to retire from acting in three years at age fifty. Regarding his work afterward, he’d like to produce films that interest him. His first project will be a post-modern take on Santa Clause, or as he sees Father Christmas, “…an increasingly haggard man beholden to children from all over the world who aren’t even his.”
A pair of gay penguins at the Toronto zoo are being separated to breed with females. Zoologists say that the endangered species they belong to need their good genes. Asked his opinion on it, Toronto hairstylist Clyde Vixxxen commented, “Gurl, you know I’ve split-up over good jeans before.”
The area around the former estate of cocaine kingpin Pablo Escobar, located in Columbia, is overrun with hippopotamuses. They apparently escaped from his private zoo following his death. Originally four, there are now twenty-eight of them. Experts say in another ten years it could be a hundred. In other news, Rick Ross is actually a rapping hippopotamus.
The largest instance of Facebook spam occurred this week. Hacked profiles had pornographic and violent images posted to them. The pictures were since removed, causing Gary Glitter to complain that his photo albums were deleted.
A former write-in candidate for the Arizona governorship was recently discovered homeless, broke, and sick with pneumonia in Ukraine. The man lost everything in a bridal scam. He says he plans to return to Arizona, where an internet friend has offered to sell him a bridge.
It was announced in December that Qatar is hosting the 2022 World Cup. Following concerns regarding the desert heat, this week they promised to build out-door stadiums with solar powered air conditioning, a technology which doesn’t yet exist in a viable form. FIFA is hoping Qatar will by then have legalized tourism, women, and soccer.
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