How To Impress A Woman

I’m not one for self-help books. I believe all the self-help we need is buried deep inside the self. Ourselves. It just needs a little coaxing (meditation) to come out.

My surrogate big sister did insist I read “Getting To I Do” (don’t get the wrong idea) by Dr Patricia Allen. My big sister is Sex and The City. Thirty-something, single, New York. She’s read every book on dating there is. And this book is, apparently, It.

It’s OK. Its main message can be summarised in a few sentences. In every relationship that is to survive there needs to be one person who is masculine (thinker, leader, The Respected) and one who is feminine (feeler, receiver, The Cherished). Masculine does not mean male and feminine does not mean female. Either gender can assume either role, but each party cannot assume the same role or both roles.

Trouble is figuring out which one you suit. Ideally, you want to be respected (masculine) and cherished (feminine). According to Dr Allen, this is called narcissism. And a long-term relationship it probably will not make.

Remember, not every relationship needs to survive. Lack of longevity doesn’t undermine the magic and connection you might share with another person fleetingly. Some of the people I will remember forever I only spent a few weeks with. Some only a few days.

Once you start thinking about relationships in these terms (who is masculine, who is feminine), any relationship – that may be just a couple of hours banter in a bar – in these terms, you begin to see the quantum mechanisms of it at work. And you will also start to discover reasons why maybe past flames fizzled out. I definitely am.

So, lads, how the hell do you impress a woman? Hygiene, health and hard abs may be necessary (for some women/men) but not sufficient. Or maybe they are: for some – in relationships there is no one size fits all. Most of the time there isn’t even one size fits one.

N.B. These “tips” are written by a feminine energy woman (for now, at least) who likes to be lead. Rules may significantly differ if you are after someone different. As I said above, there is no one size fits all.

1)   Initiate. Everything: Asking for her number. Suggesting a drink. Adding her on Facebook. Messaging her.

2)   Be two steps ahead of her at all times. A huge order considering a lot of us are already planning the wedding (or at least introducing you to our friends) in our heads five minutes after you’ve left the house. Even if we don’t actually like you that much. It’s just what Oxytocin does to us. However, social media has made it pretty damn easy to try and guess what she’s into.

3)   Come last. No, seriously.

4)   Call/text/Tweet us sooner rather than later. Fuck the 3-day rule. Reply fairly promptly. We are attention whores at heart.

5)   Pay the bill. There’s nothing as unsexy suggesting to go halves. If you’re skint, then the Chippy or Costa it is. Or do something free and buy her a Coke along the way.

6)   Be suggestive. Make an effort to come up with the ideas of things to do. Check how she feels about them if you are worried about disappointing. The feminine woman will want and appreciate this.

7)   Show an interest in her. Ask questions. They don’t need to be about her per se, just her interests and opinions on shit.

8)   If you talk the talk – you better be ready to walk the walk. Flakiness is not hot.

9)   Come last. No, seriously.