Take Your Pumpkin Spice and Shove It!

I hate the fall, mainly for the drinks and food others try to serve me. The only substance to which one should add nutmeg and cinnamon is low-quality rum in a green coconut, and that’s usually done man with a machete on a West Indian beach. What makes you think I want such things in my beer? Here’s a thought for the craft brewers of the world: some people, who may or may not own a kegorator/end table, might actually like the taste of beer. Who are these people wanting things to taste like unpalatable vegetables? I say we just tell the food and beverage industry to take your pumpkin spice and shove it!

I was in an airport Starbucks (don’t judge. it was that or Burger King) the other day, where the barista asked if I wanted pumpkin spice in my Americano, which is what people who like the taste of coffee order. It took me about 10 seconds to regain my composure and tell the poor girl: ‘No thanks, and fill it to the top, please. I like mine black.’ Have you ever tried to eat pumpkin or any any sort of autumnal squash? They’re awful, and need crap added to them. Why would anyone want to be reminded of such vile veg in their coffee or beer? It’s the 21st century; we have air freight, refrigerated containers, and greenhouses. I can get the spring mix bag of salad year round!

Now with it being November, we’re being subjected to cranberries. I’m pretty sure they’re the Untouchables of the berry caste system, but there they are next to my fresh blue-, rasp-, and strawberries, which are also available year-round. In fact, they’re local whilst the cranberries are imported from Quebec! If I gave a shit about my carbon footprint, I couldn’t eat them on moral grounds, rather than them just tasting awful. You would only ever want to drink the juice if you had a UTI, and the ‘sauce’, even with a pound of sugar added, is meant to make turkey taste better. However, it somehow makes it worse. Of course, I don’t eat turkey, because there are dozens of other viable sources of protein that do not require one to deal with a taste of awful nothingness. I mean, oysters are in season, and they’re delicious.

Autumn is saved; I shall be eating (raw) Oysters and naughtily drinking clear liquor (gin) until winter arrives. The rest of you can keep your pumpkin spice and wet leaves on the pavement.