Emily Blunt Ruined My Life

I absolutely idolise Emily Blunt. She’s classy, pretty, funny and smart, the woman is a goddess, in fact, the only people I idolise more than Emily Blunt are the characters she plays. In any film you can count on Emily Blunt’s character to be the perfect woman. She’ll make genuinely funny jokes, she knows how to cook, she’s smart, she has men adoring her, she’ll fall in love, and she doesn’t have to wait for everyone to shut up to hear her. Other than her obviously gorgeous face, there are actually a lot of reasons, believe it or not, why Emily Blunt and I aren’t the same person…

When I slip on the ice I do some sort of half-hearted pirouette, not in the superb Mila Kunis way, and when I eventually understand what is happening I’ll put my hand out for the nearest thing to grab, only to slip again and rip my eyelid apart on someone’s fence, then an old man just starts laughing hysterically at me while blood drips down my cheek. No romantic encounter for me.1. When Emily Blunt slips on ice someone swoops in to save her, and if they can’t catch her in time they’ll just slide across the floor so she lands on them, ensuring a soft landing and no broken bones.  She then falls in love.

2. When Emily Blunt makes a joke it’s about funny things children say, or that time she “saved an old woman from getting hit by a car which made her feel like Superman”. Everyone is amazed by Emily Blunt, everyone loves her and thinks she’s so funny. She then falls in love.

When I tell a joke it’s about the time I cried because the shop ran out of chocolate, or how I am going to die alone. Everyone laughs, not just because it’s funny but because it’s true, no one adores me, or my jokes. No romantic encounter for me.

3. When Emily Blunt decides to cook something it comes out perfectly and everyone will come round to eat all she has made. If by some rare chance she burns/ruins the things she has made she laughs it off, another case of Emily being hysterical, while deciding what to have for dinner now, a take away perhaps, with the man of her dreams? She then falls in love.

When I decide to make something they’ll taste good, unfortunately for me, no one trusts me enough to try what I’ve made. In the likely situation that I burn/ruin what I’ve been slaving away at all day it’s likely that I’ll just cry to myself while deciding what I can make out of two garlic cloves and some peanut butter, because I couldn’t possibly get a takeaway due to the fact I had to spend the last of my pennies on a pack of Stork. No romantic encounter for me.

4. When Emily Blunt gets dressed in the morning she doesn’t have to hop around her room, trying not to trip over things, look for a clean pair of socks, because a) she has all her washing done the night before, and b) Emily Blunt doesn’t find putting clothing away a chore because ‘a tidy house leads to a tidy mind, and a tidy mind leads to a tidy heart, which mean more room for the people you love’. She then falls in love, while wearing matching socks.

When I get dressed in the morning, if I manage to get up before 11am, I don’t bother to try and hop round my room because I know I won’t find any matching socks anyway. I don’t have a tidy room/mind/heart because I’m too cynical to clean because I don’t have room in my messy heart to love everyone. I spend the rest of the day in one meerkat sock and one Christmas sock with a bell on Santa’s hat. No romantic encounter for me.

5. When Emily Blunt goes out clubbing, when she’s not flitting from A list party to movie premier, she actually brings herself to dance, and I mean actual, nice dancing, the seductive type that you and I have only seen in our dreams where we’re skinny. Luckily for Emily the person she is dancing with is so handsome and nice, and he wouldn’t care if she couldn’t dance because well look at her, she’s perfect. She then falls in love.

When I go clubbing you’re going to have to pay me to dance, not for my sake but for everyone else’s sake, I’m pretty sure there is a human rights act preventing people like me attempting to be seductive, or there should be.  If I was to go on the dance floor I have no doubt in my mind that I would end up looking like a fat robot choking on some form of McDonald’s while frantically looking for an exit from this dance floor of doom. Many romantic encounters for me, with people who are single for a reason!

Of course it’s not Emily’s fault, definitely not, and it’s not even her parents fault although they should be very proud of themselves for their, quite simply, brilliant genes. No I’ll tell you whose fault this is, it’s Hollywood’s. How am I supposed to watch a film, with the simply above average Emily Blunt (much, much above) if you keep doing this to her?

The poor woman, it’s not fair on her, stop putting her in films with Jason Segel, we know they’re perfect; you don’t need to put them in funny situations so we can watch how they flawlessly get on with their lives, together. Stop making her characters perfect, she’s perfect enough in real life, give her a character who is waiting for her DNA tests to come back, she’s got her fifth theory test tomorrow and she’s thinking of having beans on reduced price bread for dinner because after all there is still a week until payday, she’s an amazing actress let her branch out! Oh, and please, for the love of God, please stop making everyone fall in love with her, I want to walk down the street and have at least five people fall in love with me simply at the smell of my new shampoo but we know it’s not going to happen, so why should it to Emily Blunt.