Nancy Reagan’s famous campaign to put an end to America’s drug problem, which was ultimately useless, pointless, and ineffective, should have been against those famous interlocking rings on the front of Germany’s other posh car brand. Unfortunately for my father, he drove an Audi 100 during this time, and, although the car did get him a first date with my mother (skiing, as her Datsun was rear-drive), it also was a cause of so much frustration that he bought a Honda to replace it. That’s right some Audi’s are so infuriatingly bad that they make you want a fucking Honda!
Let’s look at the current Audi line for inspiration as to the apparent uselessness of the damn brand: The A1 was developed by SEAT and based on the VW Polo, A3 is a gussied-up mkV Golf (the current mkVI Golf is a better car), A4 and A5 are supposed to be sporty but lack handbrake, and the convertible has a old style cloth roof, the new A6 is still not as pretty as one from the turn of the millennia, the TT is well an Audi TT, the Q’s are the worst kind of (VW based) Chelsea tractors, the R8 is a Lambo in Bauhaus drag, and the A8 is aluminium like the Jag XJ (yet is far heavier, not as good, and beaten as a luxury car within the VW family by the Phaeton and it’s British twin the Bentley Continental).
Clearly there is a theme building (it’s not that I don’t like Audi as a brand, because I do or really did like Audis as the alternative to fancy versions of taxis –Mercedes- and Bimmers), and it’s that the VW group no longer has a place in it for Audi. VW has become the people’s car for the middle classes, SEAT’s are sporty or last rehashed best bits or old Audis (Exeo), Skoda makes a better VW for less money, Porsche has a rapidly expanding luxury/sport line, while Lamborghini and Bentley serve the whims of the rich (note how this is not the wealthy or upper classes). This seems like the old GM brand hierarchy, which helped lead them down the -taxpayer funded- path to failure. Further echoing the General Motors sirens song is nagging questions concerning long term quality lingering from the dark days of the 1980’s; an issue which has not been helped by modern issues with the turbo-charged Audis and other VW group cars blowing ignition coils and developing oil sludge even when following the prescribed maintenance schedule.
Assuming the issues with turbo-4s have been finally resolved, where is the compelling case for a smart person to actually buy and Audi rather than a VW. The TT is no longer ageless or timeless, but rather an overpriced slightly worse Sirocco. The A3 is however the worst offender of the lot. This is a car, whose mere existence illustrates the idiocy of the unchecked Audi brand expansion project of one Dr. Ferdinand Piëch (grandson of Hitler’s favorite car designer himself, former CEO of VW, and the current Chairman of the Board). The A3 is meant to be a (slightly) posher VW Golf/GTI, with Quattro all-wheel drive as a trump card. Unfortunately, you can no longer purchase an A3 with Quattro if you want a real gearbox paired to a real engine (diesels are for trucks and boats over 40 feet in length). Adding insult to injury is that when comparably speced the GTI is a much better car than an A3 S-line for less money, and the level of customer service across the VW group (except shockingly Skoda) is so low that even Dr. Robert Ballard would have trouble reaching the bottom of that barrel in one of his deep-diving submersibles. A VW GTI, which is a bit shorter than the A3 sportback/estate thingy, actually has more cargo volume, a bigger rear seat, a much better sat nav system, less road noise in the cabin, and far better ride quality. Basically, the A3 is pointless, the GTI is fucking brilliant, and people (women) like Kate Middleton are idiots for buying the wrong damned car.
