I have always loved the endless “10 best places for..>”, “Who Would Be Your Perfect Pet” and “7 Different Stages of Drunken Girlfriend” type of little quizzes or witty lists. Silly and entertaining enough to kill the boredom. There’s only so many times one can watch baby panda sneeze and still find it funnily cute.
For the first day of Spring (by the way, Happy Spring!) one of my friends sent me this wonderful list of Washington DC “24 Things I’ve Learned…” to convince me in the awesomeness of the place. Well, I felt as I had to prove that all the big cities are similar, so here goes my try:
1. Snow > the Federal Government./ London: Snow > GOD! When it comes down and stays, it’s a miracle and creates a chaos. It’s like Bold 2in1.
2. Coming from Boston, this place and its people are pretty damn friendly./ London: Coming from Estonia, people are pretty damn friendly.
3. Coming from anywhere else, they’re rude as hell / London: why do you apologize to me after I just shouted at you?
4. The Washington Monument looks better covered in scaffolding / London: Big Ben doesn’t.
5. You’re never the smartest person in the room (and you don’t want to be)/ London: you are never the smartest person in the pub. And believe me, you don’t want to be either!
6. People will ask you what you do for a living before asking how you’re doing./ London: when in the City, they won’t talk to you if you wear anything under Louboutin level. You’re just not worth the effort.
7. If it weren’t for happy hour, I couldn’t afford to live here. / London: If it weren’t for Sam Smith pubs and Asda, I couldn’t afford to live here.
8. Seriously, BOGO for alcohol is the best./ London: Shandy (lager top as they say here) IS an alcoholic beverage.
9. Competitive karaoke is a thing, and it’s awesome. / London: Beans on soggy toast IS a breakfast and it’s good!
10. Donald Rumsfeld uses the self-checkout at CVS. He goes to the one by my office./ London: Duchess of Kent wears high street brands.
11. Work hard, brunch harder./ London: work hard, pub binge drink harder
12. Some French asshole put rotaries or traffic circles or whatever the hell they’re called all over the place. Worst. Idea. Ever./ London: some idiot decided to create Oxford street and put moving vehicles on it! Worst. Idea. Ever!
13. Nonprofits are a business. Their product hopefully helps others, but it’s not a bunch of absentminded idealists in a room talking out of their ass. / London: Nonprofits here are called charities and they would pester you like crazy on the streets. There’s only so many pandas I can help and dolphins I can adopt! Who will save me?
14. It’s the gayest city in America. No, really. / London: Have you seen Soho Square at lunchtime on a sunny day? I rest my case.
15. Chinatown should just be called China Street or China Alley. Putting Chinese lettering on a Walgreens and a Chipotle doesn’t make a Chinatown. / London: Chinatown should be called the Asian District.
16. There’s a weird rivalry between the people of New York City and DC. It’s stronger than the Yankees and the Red Sox./ London: there’s a rivalry between North of the River and South of the River. Seriously, they cannot decide who’s better. (go North!!!)
17. House of Cards is filmed mostly in Baltimore./ London: Kings Speech was mostly filmed in London.
18. The metro looks nothing like it does in Scandal. / London: “Please mind the Gap” will get old!
19. The humidity in the summer can make it feel like the devil is Frenching you everywhere. / London: If there is heat wave in the summer, the devil IS Frenching you everywhere! Especially in the tube.
20. In addition to the Smithsonian and all of the historical landmarks, there’s a wax museum that has a bunch of presidents and celebrities you can grope. / London: Natural History Museum, V&A, National Portrait Gallery…oh, Madame Tussauds?! Get the drift?
21. Heavyset tourists will take Segway tours around the monuments. God bless America. / London: Segway is something Asian and American tourists love. Get out of my way you lazy snots!
22. Bikers will ignore bike lanes and traffic laws. They’re like honey badgers on two wheels just not giving any fucks. / London: Amen to that! Only the ones here wear a camera on their helmet to make sure they are not to blame if something goes wrong.
23. If you’re using the escalators in the metro, walk on the left side and stand on the right. I’m looking at you, interns and conference-goers. / London: …would like to add ALL the other people who don’t live in London to that list.
24. Washington, DC isn’t broken. Congress is. There are half a million people in this town who work very hard for nonprofits, private businesses, and government agencies. They support their families and great causes. They’re not broken. The people you elect and send here are. / London: I am not broken, I am broke.