Increasingly irrelevant phone manufacturer Blackberry showed off plans for a new product. The line is intended to turn around perception that they’re stuck in the past. Blackberry is actually claiming that their new operating system isn’t a mere phone, but rather “…the world’s first time machine.”

Conservatives are attacking President Obama as  “too cool.” Indeed, Republicans know that the best defense is a good offense, or as they call their offense in the battle against cool, “Mitt Romney.”

An earthquake originating in Baja, California was felt all the way in Mexico City this week. The Obama administration was quick to take credit for it, calling it “The first American export to Mexico (that wasn’t originally Mexican).”

An angry dentist pulled out her ex-boyfriend’s teeth after he dumped her for another woman. Kindly, Ryan Seacrest is donating all new teeth to the man, from spares in his own mouth.

A man has sued BMW after a four hour ride on his motorcycle left him with a two year erection. He says that despite doctors saying it was horribly unhealthy for him,  the two year erection isn’t why he’s mad: “This product is flawed. I had a BMW motorcycle and reliable boner for two years, and still didn’t get any ass.”

This week, One World Trade Center surpassed the Empire State Building, which was completed in 1931, prompting much fanfare and celebration. Next up: surpassing the economy of the 30s.

The Sun newspaper ran an article this week about a “…new internet trend where people post silly cat pictures with misspelled captions.”  Aside from the article, the day’s headline was “AMERICA TO SOON ELECT FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT.”

Paul Krugman said that Ron Paul is “living in a world from 150 years ago.” Ron Paul responded, “I see the issues of the day, and this country is in a civil war.”

A woman’s $6,000 tax return has been delivered to her after a garbageman found it in the trash and returned it to her. Isn’t that just like the government? Put your tax dollars straight in the trash, then act like they’re working for you.

Police have jailed an 83 year old man for making fruit wine and selling it to his neighbors. The man says he uses a family recipe and makes it as a hobby. So sleep safe, readers: octogenarian cottage industry vintners are behind bars, and you’re being protected by the police – oh, and George Zimmerman.

King Hamburger Pimp’s Find of the Week: Bon Iver Erotica (Bone Iver, anyone?)

Julian Belvedere of (King Hamburger Pimp and) the Sundance Kid