A study asking Americans which city they were most likely to be attacked by mosquitoes in found that the number one place is Tampa, Florida. However, the answer changed to Miami when the question switched “mosquitoes” to “bloodsuckers.”

A teenager who four doctors had declared brain-dead has miraculously recovered. Now that the teenager is no longer brain-dead, producers are searching for someone else to write season two of “Girls.”

Every fourteen days a language dies out forever, meaning that each year women of the world have 104 fewer ways to turn you down for sex.

Burger King is becoming the first fast-food retailer to switch to all free-range animals for producing their products. Always eager to stay with the times, Apple has promised to also go free-range and unshackle all their factory employees.

A video game based on Ron Paul is in the works. The way it goes is you try and try and try to beat the first level forever, and if you keep going until you’re almost dead, you win as Ron Paul.

The saxophonist from The Killers has passed away. The lead investigator on the case says it looks like a suicide “…however, my fifteen year old daughter is pretty insistent she knows who the killers are.”

Scientists found the illusive G-Spot in the cadaver of an 83 year old woman. They’re refusing to take all the credit, however, saying “We didn’t do the hard work though. That was all Alexander Skarsgard.”

Police responded to an emergency call this week over a man using an assault rifle to force another man to moonwalk. In spite of the incident, guests say they had a pretty good time at Ted Nugent’s birthday.

The Dandy Warhols’ Courtney Taylor-Taylor says Keanu Reeves helped with his solo project, which explains why so many critics described it as “absolutely unbelievable.”

Mad Cow is back, and kids everywhere are dying to get it. Hopefully, someone will explain to them in time that it’s not the new Angry Birds.

Environmentalists ranked US cities with the worst pollution. They did note however that Pittsburgh will be taken off once Mac Miller stops opening his mouth.

Mitt Romney won three states this week. However, it was Newt Gingrich who unanimously won the state of denial.

California will wait to vote on whether to outlaw the death penalty until this November. Apparently, Californians want to first see whether Michael Bay is charged and convicted for his crimes against the Ninja Turtles franchise.

President Obama went on Jimmy Fallon’s show this past Tuesday, confirming what millions of Americans thought already: not only is this presidency fast becoming a joke, but it’s really un-funny.


Julian Belvedere of (King Hamburger Pimp and) the Sundance Kid